I think too much. Have been told this before, and I know it to be true so I am trying to focus on other things and one of those is getting a routine. But here is the kicker, the real shit kicker, I set up a study schedule one day for me, a timeline per se, and have yet to do it. I know I have stated this over and over again, but it's almost like I want to fail myself. Like I am setting myself up for disappointment. For instance, why would I fret about not getting into grad school when I have an email conformation stating my seat is saved. Because it's not an official letter, end of thought about that.
Next. After reading my last published post I only now sit down to write.. what is up with that? If I want to write, I should be doing it every single day. The harp still waits to be blown, the laps have lapsed and the pool is soon to close. Blah blah. It's not all blah though.
Had another amazing weekend in Vegas. My man George, a very good man indeed, played in a poker tournament and won twenty thousand dollars. Did you get that internets? 20 thousand dollars. The chips were so beautiful but the bundles of bills smelled better. I was a complete wreck watching him play and hoped that my nerves didn't get passed on to him. Out of 433 he qualified to the final 18 and then placed 5th. Way to go George! You don't even know this blog exists. He was so thoughtful too, gave me 1000 for support! (which went straight to the c.c and only 1000 more to go.)
So the goals are in place and I am definitely in the right head space the only thing now is movement. And that is what humans do, even hermits keep moving aka living. On a side note, I went to an exhibit of paintings done by Orangutans and it,once again, brought back my childhood dreams of being Jane Goodall. I'm thinking a crazy adventure (not metro city light up time) is in the near future.
Sunday, August 29
Tuesday, August 17
waiting between the interment and the social
The obituary shocked me completely because Lee was born on my exact same birthday. Talk about a wake up to the shortness of life. I'm at his funeral supporting his sort of x wife and having a few private battles in my head when all that is spoken of Lee goes against everything I am internalizing. Why am I like this? One fellow even said to cut all the B.S out of your head and be up front with everyone you meet. Then why did I tell the girl I was introduced to Sunday that I couldn't remember her name because I was drunk? Truth was that I never introduced myself to learn her name. I know Lee would have told me to get the freak out of my head, you're at my funeral dude!
It was such a beautiful afternoon and I got pretty inspired from all of the friends who spoke so kindly of this man. It made me want to get to know more people. I wish I had spent the time to know Lee better when we worked together. The sense of commuinty around this man is one that I long for. I need to get involved with something that will last throughout my life. Lee had his drums and I have my thumb, which seperates me more than I'd like to admit. It is hard to get involved when I am going to be relocating soon and don't know where I will end up. But if the longing for community is there, will it find me? Does everything truly happen for a reason? I feel as though it does, just as Lee felt his life wouldn't be too long.
Lee was a musician and when they gathered to play the most amazing drums the little chapel in Spanish Fork will probably ever hear, his spirit was definitely there. The drum teacher called out to all people Lee's age and since we were born on the exact same day I have to take what he said to heart. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it. Time is short and you never know when it will be taken away from you.
I started thinking, what is it that I wanted to do? Writing came first to mind and that is why I stopped to jot this down before going to the home of a loved one to partake in food and listen to more drums. And learning to play the harmonica is something I wanted for a long time and since this afternoon was totally music oriented I think it is the right time to start. Lee's younger brother, a pianist recalled talking to him on Tuesday (he died Friday the 13) and Lee told him to practice. He told us all that he was going to. And I should take those words to heart as well.
It was such a beautiful afternoon and I got pretty inspired from all of the friends who spoke so kindly of this man. It made me want to get to know more people. I wish I had spent the time to know Lee better when we worked together. The sense of commuinty around this man is one that I long for. I need to get involved with something that will last throughout my life. Lee had his drums and I have my thumb, which seperates me more than I'd like to admit. It is hard to get involved when I am going to be relocating soon and don't know where I will end up. But if the longing for community is there, will it find me? Does everything truly happen for a reason? I feel as though it does, just as Lee felt his life wouldn't be too long.
Lee was a musician and when they gathered to play the most amazing drums the little chapel in Spanish Fork will probably ever hear, his spirit was definitely there. The drum teacher called out to all people Lee's age and since we were born on the exact same day I have to take what he said to heart. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it. Time is short and you never know when it will be taken away from you.
I started thinking, what is it that I wanted to do? Writing came first to mind and that is why I stopped to jot this down before going to the home of a loved one to partake in food and listen to more drums. And learning to play the harmonica is something I wanted for a long time and since this afternoon was totally music oriented I think it is the right time to start. Lee's younger brother, a pianist recalled talking to him on Tuesday (he died Friday the 13) and Lee told him to practice. He told us all that he was going to. And I should take those words to heart as well.
Tuesday, August 10
Bonobo... don't you know...
I heard a great book review today and it brought me back to my childhood dreams that have not been forgotten, but have not been acted upon either. And I don't really plan to act on them except for in tourist ways. Because let's face it, at age 34 and with no biological sciences under my belt, I am not going to be a Jane Goodall.
The book is called Bonobo Handshake and I am adding it to my to reads before school starts list. The author is super hot too, Vanessa Woods is her name and she mentioned the woman who studied Orangutans who wrote a book O deeply admired in my early college years.
Now some family drama is going on and it is hard for me to focus on writing good stuff about my life. Truth be told, my parents are somewhat smootherers and don't get me wrong, they are the cream of the Earth, but comes a time when you've got to let your kids figure out their own shit WITH THE HELP OF PSYCHOLOGISTS. So boo ya!
And one last thing, why is it that after spending 90 minutes sweating out toxins from each tiny pore in my body I crave bad food? I ate the remnants of the Sunchips ma brought home rather than farm fresh peaches? No boo ya!
The book is called Bonobo Handshake and I am adding it to my to reads before school starts list. The author is super hot too, Vanessa Woods is her name and she mentioned the woman who studied Orangutans who wrote a book O deeply admired in my early college years.
Now some family drama is going on and it is hard for me to focus on writing good stuff about my life. Truth be told, my parents are somewhat smootherers and don't get me wrong, they are the cream of the Earth, but comes a time when you've got to let your kids figure out their own shit WITH THE HELP OF PSYCHOLOGISTS. So boo ya!
And one last thing, why is it that after spending 90 minutes sweating out toxins from each tiny pore in my body I crave bad food? I ate the remnants of the Sunchips ma brought home rather than farm fresh peaches? No boo ya!
Friday, August 6
Has it really been almost a month?
And my discipline is next to nil still. Shoot! School is right around the corner and I have multiple muscles to digest along with sytems of study habits to develop. My therapist says the best words regarding my fifteen minute attention span ie. do marathon runners start with marathons? You've got to build that stuff up girly and you better start now. And stop turning this blog into a must do, can do, to do list.
How about telling of things done? Like a surprise all expenses paid trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith front row and Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Peppers in it's entirety. It's true, I spoke to Steven Tyler myself, asked him for a trademark scarf that was tied around his mic stand. He said I couldn't have it, but I did get a drumstick which will be used as a plant holder-uper sometime in my later life I'm sure. I hadn't been to Vegas since 1998 so the trip was long overdue, I am still on a high from it actually and it's been a whole week since I was there. I expect to go back many a time due to a friendly fellow who resides there. And it's only 4 hours away from LA!
But back to real life, ma is sick and pretty unhealthy, Frida is still in need of a $5000 surgery and I finally went to Bikram Yoga today after a too many month break. Things are going good for now and I only expect them to get better. Hope my mother catches this feel good vibe as well.
How about telling of things done? Like a surprise all expenses paid trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith front row and Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Peppers in it's entirety. It's true, I spoke to Steven Tyler myself, asked him for a trademark scarf that was tied around his mic stand. He said I couldn't have it, but I did get a drumstick which will be used as a plant holder-uper sometime in my later life I'm sure. I hadn't been to Vegas since 1998 so the trip was long overdue, I am still on a high from it actually and it's been a whole week since I was there. I expect to go back many a time due to a friendly fellow who resides there. And it's only 4 hours away from LA!
But back to real life, ma is sick and pretty unhealthy, Frida is still in need of a $5000 surgery and I finally went to Bikram Yoga today after a too many month break. Things are going good for now and I only expect them to get better. Hope my mother catches this feel good vibe as well.
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