Sunday, April 7
I assume this is the right thing to do as the funktified is mucked up with all things at the beginning of creation (of this blog) and now I am on to much more productive, for lack of better vocabulary STILL, ways to fill my time but to spill thought after thought onto cyber space. I feel as if I am on a different track now, one that requires less in head communication and more doing stuff for others. A renegade among us. The girl who at 37 with a husband 18 years her senior is wondering if children are the right course of action or not. What kind of world is this to bring them into? Not a good one for sure. I'm just letting this photography exhibit on war photographs I have just seen sink into me. I couldn't take it all in at once and must return to view the rest. So the question remains, what is in store for the world? What is in store for this blog? Another posting of a single web address to guide my phantom phollowers to? Perhaps yes. Perhaps not. But traveling, life, love, and beauty definitely await.
Saturday, December 29
My husband just told me to get rid of the computer, all of the electronics except for nice music. I look down at my belly. not pregnant, will be a trip to be. He continues to recite poetry. And I shall turn the electronics off, after showing him this writing. Another pointless post on my blog I've had three years. I used to day dream about the husband I was going to meet, having him read my old posts. But this wonderful man that I have wanted nothing to do with the past. Is this good? I think, but am not sure. Of course you want to create little sun to circle around to leave behind a garden that i want to plant the seeds now.. Why waste a great moment of living life on dead gone good times... seen it all no one like her LOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE YYYYYOUUUUU seen it all no one like her my favorite. I was just informed to turn off all electronics again. good night
Tuesday, November 13
I sit here legs propped up on refrigerator the marks of shaving scraped through on my tibia blatantly. For lack of a better word, descriptive or non descriptive. Editing, crossed out shine added scraped. But the emphasis here is on the sun. It's beating on my cheek and ear, me wanting to go outside but the spot I have through my kitchen window grants me the most of it. Sun will be with me all of today. Tonight gets coldish and then I will return to winter in Utah where I will be for another three weeks. I made a decision to do an internship there. I left my new husband in Southern California and wanted to help my mom, maybe instill some good eating habits or inspire exercise. Not much has changed but it was good for a start. I always feel I have so much I want to say but maybe this electronic means is not the way I want to produce it because when I sit down to type aint nothing comes out! To paper and pen shall I go? Fill up once all of the half used notebooks that lay about? Why not!? It's better to turn page than turn on. I hope I dated old journal entries and must remember to date the newest additions. So until we meet again old blog, may my writings continue in penmanship style. xoxoxoxo
Saturday, October 6
The title sums up my morning, but I should add that I am in LA with my love and we are going to his neices wedding tonight. I'm excited to see if it will be traditional Persian and also to meet her. It is Houshangs daughter, that is B's oldest brother and he is the kindest, humblest, wisest soul. He cured his kidney stones with sour grapes. The power of nature is immeasurable, how can some people not agree? So my internship is still awesome. I am starting a poetry group next week. I approached a few of the patients and they seemed really excited about it, one even said she had a book of poems published. I am not really nervous because of Hafez's poem, which I wish I would have seen before the end of my graduate school career and it starts out like this- fear is the cheapest room in the house, I would like to see you living in better conditions. For your mother and my mother were friends. Remember when I first started school and had to do a power point presentation my third week? I know I shared some of my thoughts with internets while trying to learn how to use ppt, which luckily my roommate showed me how to do. Funny the experience from the start of graduate school to now. One never knows where life will take them, you just have to be open to opportunities. I am pretty excited about finishing up my internships and working, I still have eight months before I graduate though, and then it is loss of freedom as a job will not give me the flexibility I have now. So,I am hoping we travel a lil bit before then!! But then there is the money thing, which I certainly do not want to get into here. Let me get back to the real reason why I opened my blog and began to type this a.m., thoughts and feelings oh my! I regret not reading more and I know I know, no time like the present right? When I see my neighbors outside reading I always think, I wish I read more. Ridiculous. Start reading girl. I think I'll start adding non fiction with poetry, a good balance for todays world. Goals, that is what it is all about. For instance, why don't I spend 30 minutes (to start off small aka baby steps) of each day reading? I regret so much, not spending more time studying, not reading my textbooks I paid so much for, not doing blah, not going blhere... This is not the time for regrets. It is the time for change.
Sunday, September 16
Two things come to mind: Settle down Shannon and use punctuation better! Talk about blending paragraphs together. And so it goes, another blog post started with lots on my mind but little comes to type. Why? Why does my mind go all over the place with thought but when I sit down to write shite appears. Deep sigh. I'm living in Utah for 12 weeks, completing my first fulltime internship at the state mental hospital. I love my job. It is intense yet so easy to go insane. I truly hope the people who need help get what they need. And that is all I have to say about that.
Thursday, August 23
And by that I mean mentally. Not really though how awful would that be? Do the truly severly fucked up know that they are? A question I will be able to answer following my upcoming internship at the Utah State Hospital, a location I've known about from my childhood because 'thier patients ran the haunted house, aka real crazy people' a rumor believed probably to this day amongst high schoolers in the great state o Utah. But back to business and my being fucked upedness. Dude, my poor husband. I don't know what it is but I thrive on drama. Perhaps I have mentioned this before, or maybe you gathered that from my highly esteemed(joke) previous relationship. I don't know what it is, maybe it comes from growing up in such a large family but I would like to know why I need drama in my life. I don't have it many places so when something comes up that I can make drama out of well watch out! But I have learned to keep it inside, because I know all of this is completely irrational so it leads me to want to bang my head against a wall. I am going to ask for a padded room in my house.Do you think I am kidding? Well tonights little stint began with a phone call from my step daughter who i staying in Iran and was my only source of drama to begin with. I was raging inside that I couldn't talk to her on the phone, although I know she didn't want to talk to me anyway, I kept obsessing over how their life was before I came into it and how spoiled she is and everything else under the sun. Simply ridiculous. And here is the topper, I get pissed that he is so nice to her! WTF Shannon would you not want a father to be nice to his daughter?! We talked to my shrink the other night and she told me I didn't have any right to mention money regarding his daughter. I don't know how I feel about that yet. Perhaps that is still swelling in me. I don't know but I'm spinning inside and wish I could undo what I have acted like tonight. I'm just glad I have learned to keep it all in, under the radar only to explode on internets for millions and no ones all at the same time. Good night
Wednesday, August 15
How odd is it that these past two posts have the word gas in them? And how great is it that I am on here writing again, although I have to say, the notion of being tracked everywhere I go on the web is a scary thing. Even scarier that I carry it in my pocket. This begins the weaning myself off technology project. Not to say that it's a hurtful thing, it's great and will always be a part of my life and I am so glad the world is at my fingertips at any moment in any place, but there does have to be a limit on things. I'd like to unplug for x amount of hours a day. I know with my final day yes that is FINAL DAY of graduate school qucikly apporaching (aka TOMORROW!) see posts circa January 2010..it will be less tempting to be online 99 hours a day. I want a hobby. I want to learn to sew. Now what is with the reference to gas in two precious titles of my posts? Well, this here is a documentary I just watched and I wouldn't mind it if the whole world watched it. Seeing movies like this totally make me want to be more social and tell others, but usually when i talk to people I have a hard time explaining myself. This must end as I am in a career that will encounter all walks of life. I think a public speaking class would help, ha ha ha I just spent thousands upon thousands and my whole graduate school atmosphere was about presentations both in and out of groups and here I am, not even one day out of the program talking about public speaking courses? I do believe I am crazy.I should recommend the movie to the cohort facebook page but I doubt anyone would watch it. Never hurts though. Here I will try to describe the film hereas it is keeping me up so late. Basically natural gas is a terribly evasive chemical that they extract deep out of the ground People have to start standing up to the corporate giants that are taking over America. I guess I should say, have taken over America. There is so much in my mind right now that I feel like blowing up. I know I am so capable of doing great things and there is certainly no time to be idle. Boy do I have the right partner for me.
Sunday, July 15
This is not the life I want to live. But is there any other way? Of course there is and I found a man who is willing to go there with me. It's probably not in Salt Lake City, which is in the talking about relocation areas. But come on, I'm from there I know what it is like to live in the land of Zion, he doesn't. Although you can't deny that food and water is plentiful there,the fruit trees that overflow in the summer and perhaps other seasons too. What I'm looking for is a community that I can raise some kids in. Is that crazy? To want to bring children into this world and to pass on my often depressive thoughts to another generation? Are my genes really worth spreading? I know the answer to that is a most definite yes but my depressive thinking pulls me other ways.
Wednesday, July 11
I lived as Mallock for 36 years it seems weird to just dump it do easily. But I never did like the perfect alignment of seven first name letters and seven last name letters. Getting rid of two and adding a double vowel at the end leaves much room for this new beginning. And it does feel like one. I didn't think it would since we fornicated a year and a half before making our love governmentally legitimate but something has changed and I(I'm positive he does too)feel pretty excited about it. Most of the flowers survived the road trip and Las Vegas stop over and are now filling our home with the fragrance of Casablanca Lilies and Gardenias. The beauty that sings summer. The bouquet of 48(!)red roses is hung from the dining room fan to dry by the hemp rope that was tied in a bow wrapped around the white silk and lace which is where I held so tightly. The location I chose couldn't have been more perfect, the weather anymore astounding (I did not even notice it I was in a blur!), the officiant whose poetic words joined our love officially has been complimented by many attendees, the simpleness of it, the relaxed aura around me, the photographer that I didn't even notice who kept shooting away, and the red socked purple shoed groom who didn't take his eyes off the aisle for a second so that he could see his soulmate the one who's dress had hung in the closet for a year and he never even peeked walk through the trees and flash a rock on sign while her father looked so handsome in his red socks a gift from his daughter the bride which is me. He said it was the most expensive socks he had ever worn in his life, an $18 item for a man of 77 years. And now I (we) feel different. It is a new beginning a new union of possibilities. I can only imagine the way a virgin would feel the day of their weddding. My body is overwhelmed with happiness and my mind elated in knowing that this man will be by my side through thickness and thin of belly rolls and fruit leather made from fruits picked off Utah trees. And he said he doesn't want me to come to him announcing a pregnancy right away, which I agree with as we have the world to visit, the bankers to concur, a society to fix. But knowing that one day in the near future a child will have his square chin and hopefully dark features leaves me feeling ready.