just my writing

The title of this post comes from the tabs at the top of this blog site, choices like Monetize, Stats or Design. I just want to write but fear it won't be tonight as I have drank some beers from my place of employment and am now all nestled in bed. And have I mentioned that it is Christmas Eve?
Wow. The thought of it. Thirty five, in my mothers basement about to embark on graduate school. Thank god. If I didn't have that, what would I have? Seriously- it is time to get things rolling and recognize what is funktified. Or lack there of, which is me!
I long for a communtiy but fail to get involved where I reside.. always just two or three steps away from happiness. Isn't that right Perry Farrell, from a cassette tape I listened to in my formative years. Get it? I just poured myself another beer.
Honestly, I am scared of grad school. Sort of like I will fail, or give up. I can't though, then I will be a waitress with 50 grand in debt from a program I never finished. I am so sick of being a waitress. Why am I even thinking like this? Like it's an option not to finish the program. And like it was an option to be a waitress 15 god damn years. Wow.
Maybe I should end on that thought. Or this one.. whatever it is that you want to do, or wanted to do as a child- do it. Life keeps going and it's better to live your dreams than not to.
So one day I will see the Mongolian sky and live in the jungle with animals.

big task done. bigger yet to come.

I found a place to live in Los Angeles. But before I did that, I registered for classes! I think the first semester is going to be the most difficult as far as getting in the swing of things goes seeing as how I have been out of school for about 4 years, apart from my pre reqs (taken one course at a time).. The program is 2 1/2 years of full time- 16 to 17 credits and that sounds pretty intense to me! I'm tired now, hope to write more later.

Why? Why am I still awake??

So I put on Abbey Road through my small computer speakers (what a shame the dude got the Bose) and begin to tell of my night. And let me tell you, I am typing with purpose. Ignore the hunger pangs because when in school you won't be able to afford to eat anyway, get used to it. Ha ha, hopefully.
I had a crappy waitress night because of a co worker whom I dislike and knew I did from the beginning but still gave her a ride home the other day. I do have a big heart. I am going to confront her about her lack of willingness to assist me while taking 100% of the gratuity(I should not have given her the table dammit!) by being very sweet. Starr's idea, and I think it's a good one. That's what sisters are for.
And I'm excited to spend time with mine on Weds.
I'm not even going to try to work that day. Hiking I will do, and have done a lot of. Utah is one beautiful state. Autumn brings out amazingness all around. Frida is as in love with it as I am. The other day she was running through a meadow of fallen Aspen leaves seemingly very deer like. The canyon is called Killiyon's and it is up Emigration Canyon, one of the seven major canyons that open up to the land of Zion. The trail has it all, wide open space, mountain stream, quaking Aspens, big tall Spruce's and plenty of other pines I'm sure. Simply amazing. I want to entrap all of Utah before the snow begins to fall.
Tomorrow, actually in four hours, Frida and I are going to the vet to discuss her ACL infliction. And this vet is so damn hot. Seriously, I am going to dress seductively. But he is married and since I am thirty four I've stopped doing deceitful things. Except to bitchy waitresses.

but good news

I STILL LOVE MYSELF. sometimes more each day.

f*#! my head

or what goes on inside of it rather. Pretty negative talk to begin with this post. I'm thirty four (like to keep reminding myself of that) and the great investor Suzie Orman would be hard to hear that I have nothing saved for my retirement. Nor for my life, which is quite upsetting as of late.
I am freaking out about moneys and college and pets and rents in LA. I do not want to take money from my parents, but that has been offered and I feel relieved when thinking of this. Not that I am not going to accept it, because I can and I will- the mantra of school.
And Shanneqwa Shalahom Shannanyanay this is no way to be thinking two god damned months before the start of a new life. OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. Type with purpose. And quicker. Get out of that funk!

gross.

Question: why would I waste any time on facebook when I could be writing here? Especially in the semi depressed mood that I am in, no better time to write than now. And why am I depressed noone might ask? Internal battle of money and grad school and being a waitress. And it is also one of those nights where I think I do nothing for the social side of my sanity and stay downstairs at my mothers home. I am thirty four.
I guess what I like is to have depressing thoughts. This must change. It's a good idea to phrase it as an adjective rather than a noun, learned this from some self help thing. I am depressing.
It's also a good idea to get some exercise.

Seems to be official... hurry up state budget

My wonderful father and I took a road trip to So. Cal this past week so that I could check out apartments and meet with the department head. I was a little nervous about the meeting, as my brain tells myself that I don't talk to people well (but I am starting to learn that is not the case). As I am walking out of her office she said to me, 'congratulations and welcome on board'. I'm taking this as a good sign. The college is still waiting for funding to go through and then the official letters will be sent out. Happy happy joy joy.
So thus begins the freak out mode of what needs to be done. And the top of the list is work, followed by finding a pitbull friendly apartment, next comes hiking before the damn snow falls and finally packing up all the furnishings for my own place.
I am really excited about getting my own apartment, rather than renting a room in a house. I need to focus and living close to campus in a one bedroom is key. I envision how I will decorate, the cupboards to be filled, art to be hung. And also buying my textbooks and reading the introductions before classes begin. I can and I will.

and here comes October

I got no man and the DVD I rented tonight is terribly scratched. Who cares about either one of these things when there is enough for me to do in this house and in this world that I need not spend one more minute languishing in my many thoughts. Shit I am thirty four years old. This is not where I want to be at this age.
But since I am here, I am going to do what I can to get to where I want to be.

A friend mentioned to me something that has made me realize it is time to focus on doing the things I need to do to succeed. I always loose myself in boys, phone calls, plans, basically just shit. Now is the time to cut back the minutes so I don't owe $100 each month, figure out where it is I will pursue my graduate degree (if LA falls through please God do not)and work.
I have had enough fun this summer. Besides, summer is over and fall has begun.

And since it is fall now, the colors are amazing and the best is yet to come. I am going to fill myself with foilage. And lest we forget, poetry.

me wants success

I think too much. Have been told this before, and I know it to be true so I am trying to focus on other things and one of those is getting a routine. But here is the kicker, the real shit kicker, I set up a study schedule one day for me, a timeline per se, and have yet to do it. I know I have stated this over and over again, but it's almost like I want to fail myself. Like I am setting myself up for disappointment. For instance, why would I fret about not getting into grad school when I have an email conformation stating my seat is saved. Because it's not an official letter, end of thought about that.

Next. After reading my last published post I only now sit down to write.. what is up with that? If I want to write, I should be doing it every single day. The harp still waits to be blown, the laps have lapsed and the pool is soon to close. Blah blah. It's not all blah though.
Had another amazing weekend in Vegas. My man George, a very good man indeed, played in a poker tournament and won twenty thousand dollars. Did you get that internets? 20 thousand dollars. The chips were so beautiful but the bundles of bills smelled better. I was a complete wreck watching him play and hoped that my nerves didn't get passed on to him. Out of 433 he qualified to the final 18 and then placed 5th. Way to go George! You don't even know this blog exists. He was so thoughtful too, gave me 1000 for support! (which went straight to the c.c and only 1000 more to go.)

So the goals are in place and I am definitely in the right head space the only thing now is movement. And that is what humans do, even hermits keep moving aka living. On a side note, I went to an exhibit of paintings done by Orangutans and it,once again, brought back my childhood dreams of being Jane Goodall. I'm thinking a crazy adventure (not metro city light up time) is in the near future.

waiting between the interment and the social

The obituary shocked me completely because Lee was born on my exact same birthday. Talk about a wake up to the shortness of life. I'm at his funeral supporting his sort of x wife and having a few private battles in my head when all that is spoken of Lee goes against everything I am internalizing. Why am I like this? One fellow even said to cut all the B.S out of your head and be up front with everyone you meet. Then why did I tell the girl I was introduced to Sunday that I couldn't remember her name because I was drunk? Truth was that I never introduced myself to learn her name. I know Lee would have told me to get the freak out of my head, you're at my funeral dude!
It was such a beautiful afternoon and I got pretty inspired from all of the friends who spoke so kindly of this man. It made me want to get to know more people. I wish I had spent the time to know Lee better when we worked together. The sense of commuinty around this man is one that I long for. I need to get involved with something that will last throughout my life. Lee had his drums and I have my thumb, which seperates me more than I'd like to admit. It is hard to get involved when I am going to be relocating soon and don't know where I will end up. But if the longing for community is there, will it find me? Does everything truly happen for a reason? I feel as though it does, just as Lee felt his life wouldn't be too long.
Lee was a musician and when they gathered to play the most amazing drums the little chapel in Spanish Fork will probably ever hear, his spirit was definitely there. The drum teacher called out to all people Lee's age and since we were born on the exact same day I have to take what he said to heart. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it. Time is short and you never know when it will be taken away from you.
I started thinking, what is it that I wanted to do? Writing came first to mind and that is why I stopped to jot this down before going to the home of a loved one to partake in food and listen to more drums. And learning to play the harmonica is something I wanted for a long time and since this afternoon was totally music oriented I think it is the right time to start. Lee's younger brother, a pianist recalled talking to him on Tuesday (he died Friday the 13) and Lee told him to practice. He told us all that he was going to. And I should take those words to heart as well.

Bonobo... don't you know...

I heard a great book review today and it brought me back to my childhood dreams that have not been forgotten, but have not been acted upon either. And I don't really plan to act on them except for in tourist ways. Because let's face it, at age 34 and with no biological sciences under my belt, I am not going to be a Jane Goodall.
The book is called Bonobo Handshake and I am adding it to my to reads before school starts list. The author is super hot too, Vanessa Woods is her name and she mentioned the woman who studied Orangutans who wrote a book O deeply admired in my early college years.
Now some family drama is going on and it is hard for me to focus on writing good stuff about my life. Truth be told, my parents are somewhat smootherers and don't get me wrong, they are the cream of the Earth, but comes a time when you've got to let your kids figure out their own shit WITH THE HELP OF PSYCHOLOGISTS. So boo ya!
And one last thing, why is it that after spending 90 minutes sweating out toxins from each tiny pore in my body I crave bad food? I ate the remnants of the Sunchips ma brought home rather than farm fresh peaches? No boo ya!

Has it really been almost a month?

And my discipline is next to nil still. Shoot! School is right around the corner and I have multiple muscles to digest along with sytems of study habits to develop. My therapist says the best words regarding my fifteen minute attention span ie. do marathon runners start with marathons? You've got to build that stuff up girly and you better start now. And stop turning this blog into a must do, can do, to do list.
How about telling of things done? Like a surprise all expenses paid trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith front row and Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Peppers in it's entirety. It's true, I spoke to Steven Tyler myself, asked him for a trademark scarf that was tied around his mic stand. He said I couldn't have it, but I did get a drumstick which will be used as a plant holder-uper sometime in my later life I'm sure. I hadn't been to Vegas since 1998 so the trip was long overdue, I am still on a high from it actually and it's been a whole week since I was there. I expect to go back many a time due to a friendly fellow who resides there. And it's only 4 hours away from LA!
But back to real life, ma is sick and pretty unhealthy, Frida is still in need of a $5000 surgery and I finally went to Bikram Yoga today after a too many month break. Things are going good for now and I only expect them to get better. Hope my mother catches this feel good vibe as well.

why wouldn't I?

Thanks to my 11 p.m cup of Turkish coffee from the delicious restaurant Mazza, I will now arrange a study place in the basement of my mothers house. I hope to find a nice desk in which to place my I Mac, generously given to me by my brother, a lamp, books of the medical sorts, and of course the goddess of learning Saraswati. I hope to put the EMDR machine to good use for the next six months and remember the mantra.. I can and I will.

I have been doing fun things

Having just returned from a midnight bike ride with my ipod and no helmet I wanted to tell the world what has been going on in my life as of yet this summer. First off, I got a few clients with my Senior Services so low and behold, I am an entrepreneur. But I am totally digging my waitress job as well still, it is a great social outlet and gets me out of the damn suburbs. The pool beckons nightly and my laps are improving (especially when I am angry.. found the secret to a good work out). I hike multiple times a week and the canyons here still take my breath away. The summer concert series starts tomorrow with Modest Mouse and what a better way to enjoy a night?
I took my mother to the hospital today to meet with a dietitian and totally got inspired to be the best O.T I can be. I am going to start reviewing my notes from Anatomy and Physiology. I need to maintain a B average in the program so I had better start it with some good summer studying under my belt. I also would like to start finishing the books I begin because when school rolls around I will not have time for a fun read. And besides that, reading is the best thing I can do for myself.
A few things have been not so fun though. The first ever time of feeling my biological clock the other night threw me for a total loop. I was glad the next day when I held an infant that the feeling was nowhere to be found because, lets face it, like anyone still needs to be procreating. We have an oil spill to clean up, which sadly hasn't had much of my attention because I decided it was a good idea to open my heart to a fellow who in return sort of chipped it. Being a bad kisser aside, I gained volumes from him on how I should be treated in my upcoming relationships. And there will certainly be more to come this Summer, but more importantly academia in the Spring!

remember this awakening

7:09 Nobody is there but my dog and I, yet I reach out my arms to envelop another and then I open my eyes. The thoughts came first this morning and then the movement. Does this happen often in the brain? Must take notes in early a.m.

Sunsets change moods

Today was a complete wash and sadly, this happens weekly. I would have so much rather woken up, stretched with the dog, made mom some breakfast and gone for a walk. But instead I stayed in bed far too long, made a big bowl of oats and got back into bed. This is not how I wanted my day to begin. I mentioned a hike to my sister but the weather was not permitting so we chose an indoor activity instead. We went to a fucking mall to waste time. I think we were both feeling the same type of blah today, but she has two kids and I? No excuses. I did engage in a few meaningful activities and got an inspiring text about a friend who landed a job in HI (1-2-3ALOHA!)But when it comes down to it, I do not do the things that need to be done for me. And yes, I am extrememly hard on myself.
The day dragged on until night sky started to arise and the clouds offered solace to my over thoughts. When bold crimson offset grey blue I raced up to Wasatch Blvd. in time to see golden lining of setting sun. The colors on the trail from sage and long grass were absolutely incredible as well, and the burnt orange boulders that make up my home leant themselves nicely to my lean.
But now I am back in my bed. Must chase sunsets more often.

Have I finally left the gutter

of domestic dysfunctional unhappiness? If not out all the way, the only thing left in are my feet. Which I just scrubbed pretty hard with salt, so hopefully all of the muck is off. I am happy. Wait a minute, I AM HAPPY. Much better. There are a few times I still think of the man who shall not be named,like what if he finds my blog or finds out where I live now, and yes sometimes I still look behind me. And I do, on occasion, check my trash mailbox which his emails get sent directly to. But I'm getting better at pushing the empty button, how genius that is on the outside!
A friend told me she could tell I was doing better because I am funny again. To think I even buried that! It is so great to be in this beautiful state this time of year, around my family and helping my mother. I truly feel blessed. And not in the Mormon type of blessing because man those people dressed head to toe in the most innocuous clothing on a SATURDAY in 90 degree weather really bother me.

why I should be sticking to a better regime

A. It is not good to almost eat an entire small cheese pizza from The Pie to oneself
B. The whopping $1500 in your account is going. Fast.
C. Visiting with family members is nice and all, but maybe you should make some friends.
D. You are only 34 once.

Tomorrow Frida and I shall hike. Unless I can pick up some $2.13 an hour gig lifting heavy trays and smiling all the way. Utah, ya it's pretty good for me. Somewhat.

I have the hiccups. Crushed Red Pepper Tecate endorsed hiccups.

could I really do that?

Could I really kill my pooch? My stomach is sick just thinking about it. I'm going with the have as much fun as we can notion, real life will come when it may. Five thousand plus dollars is a lot of money. Ugh.

Oh the beauty

Knowing it was going to be a gorgeous day today, I laid in bed for a long time adoring my dogs face (I know, I know, maybe it is time to look for a man) but as long as she cuddles so close to me I am going to let her and therefor start my day at 11 well, noon. Staying in bed that long often makes me lazy and although I felt like taking Frida in the forest (thank you Utah)I tried to talk myself out of it and go to a park instead. Am I glad I went canyon bound. It is so good to be back in Utah and experiencing things of my youth again, we went up Ferguson Canyon which I frequented in high school. It was simply amazing. Pictures I will post and hopefully soon. Frida was a mistake to bring up there though, she kept trying to get into the raging stream and I had to keep her on the leash. From now on the canyon Frida and I shall visit is Neffs, Ferguson will be for me alone. It was a chore going down through the wet boulders with 70 pounds of pure muscles pulling me. I kept thinking about the health insurance that I do not have and maybe it is wise to hike with another person. Problem is, I don't know many people here. To internets I go?

Summer has begun!

I just got back from a quick camping trip to beautiful Utah desert. I love the sandstone and am happy it is so close to me. I actually wrote a great post my first night camping but the smallness of my phone screen canceled the wonderfully written post and I am left with this.
I found out Frida needs a very expensive surgery and have been considering my options, so want to show her as much fun as I can if infact, I have to make the decision to put her to sleep. As a friend said, all good dogs must die. It is just a shame that she is so young and has had already $2000 put in to her. I hate to make a decision solely based on money but I feel like I am being a grown up, and next time I get a pooch I will definitely be more financially available.
My camping spot had a little watering hole for cattle which Frida found after I had walked her over to it. She loves the water so much and I hope it doesn't hurt her torn ACL too much. She is so tried and dirty now. True signs of a happy dog. I am going to post some camping pictures soon.

oh restless nights

But at least the throbbing in my thumb from the splinter that wedged itself underneath my nail has gone, the pain kept me up all of last night. Tonight I have been reading pointless bloggs about child rearing, trips I may someday take,and unfathomable oil spills. The latter has really thrown me for a doozy the last few days, so much so that I haven't even written about the miracle of birth that I witnessed or the food I am beginning to grow. I have received a few volunteer emails from groups around Louisiana and am eager to help out firsthand, but the problem still looms and there is little set up to do for now. We can only hope the flow will stop. Unbelievable that the grand old US of A doesn't impose stricter regulations on possible catastrophic techniques. Will the band continue to play?
All of the craziness in the world reinforces my decision on not bringing children into this world. I have nothing against people that do, and am entirely appreciative that all of my sisters have birthed their own. But for me, I'll get me a few that need to be loved after I'm done with my schooling and have a stable adulthood, because 34 isn't mature yet..
But speaking of birth, I did witness one and what an event that was. Happy Birthday Holland James, on May 3 2010. What a smooth transition an epidural allows! I expected screaming and name calling etc, but got none of that. I cheered on my little sister and after about 3 hearty pushes she entered this earth. I did not expect the episiotomy and when I saw those shiny shears, I turned away and did not get to see the placenta delivered. Starr was able to watch everything and the god complex doctor explained where the cord was attached and all. How exciting Smith family! Glad it's not me! But happy to watch the talking child whenver you may need.

another from the tiny face.

There are night birds where a I currently reside. Thier songs I do love. I apologize for not keeping better blogg but tomorrows post will be one not to miss. What is the problem with guys? Come on! You're to be married in 19 days. A birth I will witness tomorrow! I wish it was in a trough.

on my tiny touch screen.. can you imagine?!

I blew out the candles long ago but still can't fall asleep because of the great mood that I am in. And for no other reason than my fabulous head (and the parts inside it).

and this is how life is supposed to be

Or actually how I like my life to be. I'm busy, getting ready for drinks with a friend who is passing through town, then off on a date, and then to a reinvented carnival, and finish it off with a stop by the W to say hello to my best friend, who by the way, owns the greatest dance club in Salt Lake City. Just ask City Weekly (I feel like a proud parent!)

for you Ira, and everything else

My life is killing me. Or my lack of life. Constant thought of changes I want to make but never do. What will it take? I feel like I am almost at that point, driven myself mad enough to finally do. The quote I was trying to remember with my mother is something like this- 'Out of the strain of the doing, into the peace of the done'. Should I get a new tatoo?
I get bursts of inspiration, I always have. But seldom do what needs to. For instance, for the first time in my life I have a business card. How many have I handed out? Not many. But some, I know I am hard on myself so am trying to reverse this thought as I type it out. It's working. I know I am capable of so much more and have the talent and support I need to achieve things. And my astrological sign exudes success, especially in the upcoming few years.
I should change the profile on my blogg to read- My $50 yoga mat sits in the corner and mocks me. I don't know what my excuse is of dining out and spending money that I do not have on an artichoke cheese dip with buckets of grease floating atop and feeling that it is fine to eat like this all of the time. Because I basically do. And it's always this inside my head, tomorrow I will get the bagel or doughnut that is oh so good and then I will start eating better. No, things do not work this way Shannon. That said dip, caused my friend to vomit hours later.
But for Ira I choose this- and I've said this before and it's embarrasing to live like this but it is the way I am and I love me, and I'm working on some things, so one day you'll see... Ira, all of the wonders of this mondern world which somewhat intimidate me needn't so. I need not feel so anxious at the thought of social interactions and must get out of my comfort zone in order to do anything different in my life. Remember what Einstein said about insanity. I don't want to go there just yet.

annoying suggestion

I got a few comments by some Mike fellow for a best blogg interview. Don't know where that came from, but I decided to participate. I don't even know where my blogg is on the site but check it check it yo, bloggerinterviewer.com. Vote for me, if you find me. And I hope I don't get a shitton load of emails from them now.

it keeps growing and growing and..

When I make money I will be older they'll love my words just like a waving flag. Aint that right K'naan? Pardon in advance for busting into rhyme as I type, it's hard not to. But of course you need the tune in your head- so go buy it. Yes, go to a store and buy the c.d. Don't get it for free from the internets, I'll still be here when you get back. Broke ass me even bought it. But I'm thinking of getting MGMT for free next month. Enough about music, or is it?
You see, I've been in this funk for the last oh, six years, and feel a bit out of touch with the scene and when I go into the superstore of Amoeba I get overwhelmed so any suggestions unphantom readers? I dig all the styles, god bless them every single one. Maybe not Christian Rock, definitely not Christian Rock. Especially Classical, which I have a lot to learn about but I am learning to take advantage of studying musicians in colleges. They're cheap and often intimate, not to make music programs sound like floozies.
But back to the growth! Hello world- here is I the fancy one,the one who gets a comment or four and am ecstatic about it. WTF I need a life. But I am content with the one I have for now. However I definitely need to finish more books. And get up to dance right now. He does that to me you know.
..Is it true when they saw all you need is just love? What about those that have loved only to find that it's taken away?.. After school we study the lessons I asked God to slow down to seconds he does the opposite that's what I'm guessing I better chill and count my own blessings..

just in case your wondering

No, I never built a chicken coop but I am finishing a bottle of wine to myself right now! I felt like writing more today, yesterday, and tonight but when the time comes to it, which is now, my head just feels like spinning and I am going to bed. Happy Birthday Wendi Jo! You are a good friend indeed, even though we don't talk much. And to that I blame myself, I seldom talk to anybody. But get this.. I'm a waitress.
Oh this meaningless drunk post is getting only sloppier. But I did hear a good thing tonight from the clerk at seven eleven which my freaking SUV drove up to (and I vowed never to drive to a convience store again, even in the valley of salt where the streets are wide enough for oxen a girl should definitely walk and not drive to these neon establishments) and he said 'eating healthy is unpatriotic', I replied 'good'. Patriotric is the last thing I want to be.

things I will never do again

A. Say that I am bored. There is much to much to do in this wonderful life. Including, looking for different graduate programs to apply to, organizing my mothers house,building a chicken coop, cooking, reading, writing.. You get my jest.
B. Talk to Antonio or read another email from him. YAY double YA YA YAY
That pretty much covers it. Had to get that out.

not nothing

Sitting here wanting to say words but about what? About how I feel bored and am chastising myself for feeling that way since there is a mountain of furniture to move downstairs and also because I am alive. And if nothing else, I have Frida to proove it. That dog is so damn cute. We shall hike and camp a lot this summer compilments of saddlebags I'll buy fot the bitch so she can carry all my gear. Hey, she's a pitbull, why not? Yesterday we went to that big salty lake, that which this city is named for and she is encrusted with the salt still today. Perhaps I should wash her? Or got to Yoga? I definitely need to start doing that again, especially if I want muscles like hers. Frida that is. So perhaps I will title this post Frida, since I started with paragraph instead of one line. And a question to you my not so phantom readers, do I use too many punctuations marks? My mother the editor would surely do know!

splitting myself in two

Another mini bout of insomnia which led, of course, to pen and paper and eventually me getting out of bed admiring outstretched dog, pouring milk (should have used the soy) on cereal and sitting down in front of this illuminated machine. I can't decide if I like private thoughts or published ones better, so I will keep up both and hope to get up to my nine public posts a month again. But my privates, well they started around age 14, some well written words I am sure. Thank you Mr. Carlisle, that was the newsmans name. Here is a secret, when I am dead I hope they find an old mail truck on my property overflowing with words I've written and never sent, creatives left to be discovered post mortem.
And I've sort of regretted mentioning a long duck dong in public, but it makes me happy that my sexuality is alive again since it has been so jacked up the past few years. So like my lower lip says, So Be It. I've been personal enough in this blog, why stop now?

why must I have forsaken thee?

It makes me excited to know that people read my blog. Especailly those that read from start to finish. Which should really never be, and to that I say I'm sorry for slacking, maybe next year I will be voted best Utah blog in City Weekly. But then of course I will not live here next year. Yes it is true, I have relocated to the land of Zion, the land of Salt. And boy what a rough transition it has been to be. But it is nice to know this move is for less than a year, sorry Rock, and in that year I plan to a. save money b. help my mother c. spend lots of time with nieces and nephews d. explore as much of Utah as I can d. hike a shitload in the Wasatch front and e. find a new lover, yes only a lover cause I need no relationship dragging down on me(only a long duck dong).
I check for cheap flights to SF daily seeing as how it is snowing outside right now. Yes, it is March 12 or whatever and it is snowing. Frida likes to eat it though, it is pretty damn cute. She hates the way snow feels on her, but digs them freshly placed ground flakes. Bonus! I found a plethora of random BMX bike wheels in a discount cart at Smiths and bought them all, at 50 cents a piece and rubber, they will be the best bought dog chews ever. I can hear her chewing now and it's been about thirty minutes since I introduced the spiked white godesses to her. I hope she's not ingesting it though. I've found enough bright green balloons in her poop.

Statistics

Age: Thirty Four. Date: February 12, 2010 Friday. Time: 9:57 p.m. Place: San Francisco. Activity: Nil.
I am a single beautiful woman with mucho qualities to offer yet I prefer to walk my dog in the dark and not make eye contact with anyone on the street. On a Friday night. In San Francisco. Why? What will I become if I don't start putting myself out there? My mother? No offense to ma, I love her like no other but she is lonely lonely lonely. And I am thirty four. All I have to do is find a group, like the ones I saw huddled on sidewalks during my walk this evening. Many of them, people talking and listening and drinking. I bet there was little singing and skipping and I know there was no solo blog typing. But it's okay, I know it is. Well, I hope it is. Being still in the murk I attribute the cause. But I have always been like this. Shit. I really need to start listening to Glo. Details: Happy I finally wrote here again. Comments: 12. Known Commentee: 1. Feeling: Utterly Surprised.

Finally out of the fog

The new year started eleven days ago, I turned 34 five days ago, and I finally figured out the man I have been with off and on six years was exploiting me to no end. I became empowered. It's embarrassing to talk about and perhaps that is why it persists as it does. I want to do some work with other women, shake them into knowing they can leave a bastard who either physically or mentally abuses them (you do not have to be with anyone you don't want to be with). It is no way to live and I wasted six years of my life. SIX YEARS! I noticed my soul slipping away, but it hasn't gone yet I can still cry.
I am gaining self confidence. I can go to a record store and buy some new music. I will go to events that I want to attend. I will talk to men and make male friends! (not looking for sex AT ALL). I can wake up with my favorite radio program and best of all, I wake up alone in my new bed!
The thing that makes me the saddest is how prevalent domestic abuse is in our society. A friend of mine said to me that everyone has to go through an abusive relationship because you learn so much from it. Let's hope not! I have learned, but there are definitely better ways to learn about this taboo yet common affliction. I know this blog is probably never read and I haven't even expressed myself how I would really like to. I guess I just wanted to tell the world and no one that I am a healing woman who still has her soul.