why wouldn't I?

Thanks to my 11 p.m cup of Turkish coffee from the delicious restaurant Mazza, I will now arrange a study place in the basement of my mothers house. I hope to find a nice desk in which to place my I Mac, generously given to me by my brother, a lamp, books of the medical sorts, and of course the goddess of learning Saraswati. I hope to put the EMDR machine to good use for the next six months and remember the mantra.. I can and I will.

I have been doing fun things

Having just returned from a midnight bike ride with my ipod and no helmet I wanted to tell the world what has been going on in my life as of yet this summer. First off, I got a few clients with my Senior Services so low and behold, I am an entrepreneur. But I am totally digging my waitress job as well still, it is a great social outlet and gets me out of the damn suburbs. The pool beckons nightly and my laps are improving (especially when I am angry.. found the secret to a good work out). I hike multiple times a week and the canyons here still take my breath away. The summer concert series starts tomorrow with Modest Mouse and what a better way to enjoy a night?
I took my mother to the hospital today to meet with a dietitian and totally got inspired to be the best O.T I can be. I am going to start reviewing my notes from Anatomy and Physiology. I need to maintain a B average in the program so I had better start it with some good summer studying under my belt. I also would like to start finishing the books I begin because when school rolls around I will not have time for a fun read. And besides that, reading is the best thing I can do for myself.
A few things have been not so fun though. The first ever time of feeling my biological clock the other night threw me for a total loop. I was glad the next day when I held an infant that the feeling was nowhere to be found because, lets face it, like anyone still needs to be procreating. We have an oil spill to clean up, which sadly hasn't had much of my attention because I decided it was a good idea to open my heart to a fellow who in return sort of chipped it. Being a bad kisser aside, I gained volumes from him on how I should be treated in my upcoming relationships. And there will certainly be more to come this Summer, but more importantly academia in the Spring!

remember this awakening

7:09 Nobody is there but my dog and I, yet I reach out my arms to envelop another and then I open my eyes. The thoughts came first this morning and then the movement. Does this happen often in the brain? Must take notes in early a.m.

Sunsets change moods

Today was a complete wash and sadly, this happens weekly. I would have so much rather woken up, stretched with the dog, made mom some breakfast and gone for a walk. But instead I stayed in bed far too long, made a big bowl of oats and got back into bed. This is not how I wanted my day to begin. I mentioned a hike to my sister but the weather was not permitting so we chose an indoor activity instead. We went to a fucking mall to waste time. I think we were both feeling the same type of blah today, but she has two kids and I? No excuses. I did engage in a few meaningful activities and got an inspiring text about a friend who landed a job in HI (1-2-3ALOHA!)But when it comes down to it, I do not do the things that need to be done for me. And yes, I am extrememly hard on myself.
The day dragged on until night sky started to arise and the clouds offered solace to my over thoughts. When bold crimson offset grey blue I raced up to Wasatch Blvd. in time to see golden lining of setting sun. The colors on the trail from sage and long grass were absolutely incredible as well, and the burnt orange boulders that make up my home leant themselves nicely to my lean.
But now I am back in my bed. Must chase sunsets more often.

Have I finally left the gutter

of domestic dysfunctional unhappiness? If not out all the way, the only thing left in are my feet. Which I just scrubbed pretty hard with salt, so hopefully all of the muck is off. I am happy. Wait a minute, I AM HAPPY. Much better. There are a few times I still think of the man who shall not be named,like what if he finds my blog or finds out where I live now, and yes sometimes I still look behind me. And I do, on occasion, check my trash mailbox which his emails get sent directly to. But I'm getting better at pushing the empty button, how genius that is on the outside!
A friend told me she could tell I was doing better because I am funny again. To think I even buried that! It is so great to be in this beautiful state this time of year, around my family and helping my mother. I truly feel blessed. And not in the Mormon type of blessing because man those people dressed head to toe in the most innocuous clothing on a SATURDAY in 90 degree weather really bother me.

why I should be sticking to a better regime

A. It is not good to almost eat an entire small cheese pizza from The Pie to oneself
B. The whopping $1500 in your account is going. Fast.
C. Visiting with family members is nice and all, but maybe you should make some friends.
D. You are only 34 once.

Tomorrow Frida and I shall hike. Unless I can pick up some $2.13 an hour gig lifting heavy trays and smiling all the way. Utah, ya it's pretty good for me. Somewhat.

I have the hiccups. Crushed Red Pepper Tecate endorsed hiccups.

could I really do that?

Could I really kill my pooch? My stomach is sick just thinking about it. I'm going with the have as much fun as we can notion, real life will come when it may. Five thousand plus dollars is a lot of money. Ugh.

Oh the beauty

Knowing it was going to be a gorgeous day today, I laid in bed for a long time adoring my dogs face (I know, I know, maybe it is time to look for a man) but as long as she cuddles so close to me I am going to let her and therefor start my day at 11 well, noon. Staying in bed that long often makes me lazy and although I felt like taking Frida in the forest (thank you Utah)I tried to talk myself out of it and go to a park instead. Am I glad I went canyon bound. It is so good to be back in Utah and experiencing things of my youth again, we went up Ferguson Canyon which I frequented in high school. It was simply amazing. Pictures I will post and hopefully soon. Frida was a mistake to bring up there though, she kept trying to get into the raging stream and I had to keep her on the leash. From now on the canyon Frida and I shall visit is Neffs, Ferguson will be for me alone. It was a chore going down through the wet boulders with 70 pounds of pure muscles pulling me. I kept thinking about the health insurance that I do not have and maybe it is wise to hike with another person. Problem is, I don't know many people here. To internets I go?

Summer has begun!

I just got back from a quick camping trip to beautiful Utah desert. I love the sandstone and am happy it is so close to me. I actually wrote a great post my first night camping but the smallness of my phone screen canceled the wonderfully written post and I am left with this.
I found out Frida needs a very expensive surgery and have been considering my options, so want to show her as much fun as I can if infact, I have to make the decision to put her to sleep. As a friend said, all good dogs must die. It is just a shame that she is so young and has had already $2000 put in to her. I hate to make a decision solely based on money but I feel like I am being a grown up, and next time I get a pooch I will definitely be more financially available.
My camping spot had a little watering hole for cattle which Frida found after I had walked her over to it. She loves the water so much and I hope it doesn't hurt her torn ACL too much. She is so tried and dirty now. True signs of a happy dog. I am going to post some camping pictures soon.