waiting between the interment and the social

The obituary shocked me completely because Lee was born on my exact same birthday. Talk about a wake up to the shortness of life. I'm at his funeral supporting his sort of x wife and having a few private battles in my head when all that is spoken of Lee goes against everything I am internalizing. Why am I like this? One fellow even said to cut all the B.S out of your head and be up front with everyone you meet. Then why did I tell the girl I was introduced to Sunday that I couldn't remember her name because I was drunk? Truth was that I never introduced myself to learn her name. I know Lee would have told me to get the freak out of my head, you're at my funeral dude!
It was such a beautiful afternoon and I got pretty inspired from all of the friends who spoke so kindly of this man. It made me want to get to know more people. I wish I had spent the time to know Lee better when we worked together. The sense of commuinty around this man is one that I long for. I need to get involved with something that will last throughout my life. Lee had his drums and I have my thumb, which seperates me more than I'd like to admit. It is hard to get involved when I am going to be relocating soon and don't know where I will end up. But if the longing for community is there, will it find me? Does everything truly happen for a reason? I feel as though it does, just as Lee felt his life wouldn't be too long.
Lee was a musician and when they gathered to play the most amazing drums the little chapel in Spanish Fork will probably ever hear, his spirit was definitely there. The drum teacher called out to all people Lee's age and since we were born on the exact same day I have to take what he said to heart. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it. Time is short and you never know when it will be taken away from you.
I started thinking, what is it that I wanted to do? Writing came first to mind and that is why I stopped to jot this down before going to the home of a loved one to partake in food and listen to more drums. And learning to play the harmonica is something I wanted for a long time and since this afternoon was totally music oriented I think it is the right time to start. Lee's younger brother, a pianist recalled talking to him on Tuesday (he died Friday the 13) and Lee told him to practice. He told us all that he was going to. And I should take those words to heart as well.

Bonobo... don't you know...

I heard a great book review today and it brought me back to my childhood dreams that have not been forgotten, but have not been acted upon either. And I don't really plan to act on them except for in tourist ways. Because let's face it, at age 34 and with no biological sciences under my belt, I am not going to be a Jane Goodall.
The book is called Bonobo Handshake and I am adding it to my to reads before school starts list. The author is super hot too, Vanessa Woods is her name and she mentioned the woman who studied Orangutans who wrote a book O deeply admired in my early college years.
Now some family drama is going on and it is hard for me to focus on writing good stuff about my life. Truth be told, my parents are somewhat smootherers and don't get me wrong, they are the cream of the Earth, but comes a time when you've got to let your kids figure out their own shit WITH THE HELP OF PSYCHOLOGISTS. So boo ya!
And one last thing, why is it that after spending 90 minutes sweating out toxins from each tiny pore in my body I crave bad food? I ate the remnants of the Sunchips ma brought home rather than farm fresh peaches? No boo ya!

Has it really been almost a month?

And my discipline is next to nil still. Shoot! School is right around the corner and I have multiple muscles to digest along with sytems of study habits to develop. My therapist says the best words regarding my fifteen minute attention span ie. do marathon runners start with marathons? You've got to build that stuff up girly and you better start now. And stop turning this blog into a must do, can do, to do list.
How about telling of things done? Like a surprise all expenses paid trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith front row and Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Peppers in it's entirety. It's true, I spoke to Steven Tyler myself, asked him for a trademark scarf that was tied around his mic stand. He said I couldn't have it, but I did get a drumstick which will be used as a plant holder-uper sometime in my later life I'm sure. I hadn't been to Vegas since 1998 so the trip was long overdue, I am still on a high from it actually and it's been a whole week since I was there. I expect to go back many a time due to a friendly fellow who resides there. And it's only 4 hours away from LA!
But back to real life, ma is sick and pretty unhealthy, Frida is still in need of a $5000 surgery and I finally went to Bikram Yoga today after a too many month break. Things are going good for now and I only expect them to get better. Hope my mother catches this feel good vibe as well.

why wouldn't I?

Thanks to my 11 p.m cup of Turkish coffee from the delicious restaurant Mazza, I will now arrange a study place in the basement of my mothers house. I hope to find a nice desk in which to place my I Mac, generously given to me by my brother, a lamp, books of the medical sorts, and of course the goddess of learning Saraswati. I hope to put the EMDR machine to good use for the next six months and remember the mantra.. I can and I will.

I have been doing fun things

Having just returned from a midnight bike ride with my ipod and no helmet I wanted to tell the world what has been going on in my life as of yet this summer. First off, I got a few clients with my Senior Services so low and behold, I am an entrepreneur. But I am totally digging my waitress job as well still, it is a great social outlet and gets me out of the damn suburbs. The pool beckons nightly and my laps are improving (especially when I am angry.. found the secret to a good work out). I hike multiple times a week and the canyons here still take my breath away. The summer concert series starts tomorrow with Modest Mouse and what a better way to enjoy a night?
I took my mother to the hospital today to meet with a dietitian and totally got inspired to be the best O.T I can be. I am going to start reviewing my notes from Anatomy and Physiology. I need to maintain a B average in the program so I had better start it with some good summer studying under my belt. I also would like to start finishing the books I begin because when school rolls around I will not have time for a fun read. And besides that, reading is the best thing I can do for myself.
A few things have been not so fun though. The first ever time of feeling my biological clock the other night threw me for a total loop. I was glad the next day when I held an infant that the feeling was nowhere to be found because, lets face it, like anyone still needs to be procreating. We have an oil spill to clean up, which sadly hasn't had much of my attention because I decided it was a good idea to open my heart to a fellow who in return sort of chipped it. Being a bad kisser aside, I gained volumes from him on how I should be treated in my upcoming relationships. And there will certainly be more to come this Summer, but more importantly academia in the Spring!

remember this awakening

7:09 Nobody is there but my dog and I, yet I reach out my arms to envelop another and then I open my eyes. The thoughts came first this morning and then the movement. Does this happen often in the brain? Must take notes in early a.m.

Sunsets change moods

Today was a complete wash and sadly, this happens weekly. I would have so much rather woken up, stretched with the dog, made mom some breakfast and gone for a walk. But instead I stayed in bed far too long, made a big bowl of oats and got back into bed. This is not how I wanted my day to begin. I mentioned a hike to my sister but the weather was not permitting so we chose an indoor activity instead. We went to a fucking mall to waste time. I think we were both feeling the same type of blah today, but she has two kids and I? No excuses. I did engage in a few meaningful activities and got an inspiring text about a friend who landed a job in HI (1-2-3ALOHA!)But when it comes down to it, I do not do the things that need to be done for me. And yes, I am extrememly hard on myself.
The day dragged on until night sky started to arise and the clouds offered solace to my over thoughts. When bold crimson offset grey blue I raced up to Wasatch Blvd. in time to see golden lining of setting sun. The colors on the trail from sage and long grass were absolutely incredible as well, and the burnt orange boulders that make up my home leant themselves nicely to my lean.
But now I am back in my bed. Must chase sunsets more often.

Have I finally left the gutter

of domestic dysfunctional unhappiness? If not out all the way, the only thing left in are my feet. Which I just scrubbed pretty hard with salt, so hopefully all of the muck is off. I am happy. Wait a minute, I AM HAPPY. Much better. There are a few times I still think of the man who shall not be named,like what if he finds my blog or finds out where I live now, and yes sometimes I still look behind me. And I do, on occasion, check my trash mailbox which his emails get sent directly to. But I'm getting better at pushing the empty button, how genius that is on the outside!
A friend told me she could tell I was doing better because I am funny again. To think I even buried that! It is so great to be in this beautiful state this time of year, around my family and helping my mother. I truly feel blessed. And not in the Mormon type of blessing because man those people dressed head to toe in the most innocuous clothing on a SATURDAY in 90 degree weather really bother me.

why I should be sticking to a better regime

A. It is not good to almost eat an entire small cheese pizza from The Pie to oneself
B. The whopping $1500 in your account is going. Fast.
C. Visiting with family members is nice and all, but maybe you should make some friends.
D. You are only 34 once.

Tomorrow Frida and I shall hike. Unless I can pick up some $2.13 an hour gig lifting heavy trays and smiling all the way. Utah, ya it's pretty good for me. Somewhat.

I have the hiccups. Crushed Red Pepper Tecate endorsed hiccups.