It's 2011. I have a sore throat.

And I did a good deed. After working 11 hours today I wanted to go see Casey, a beloved beloved, at his club to ring in the new year. One scotch and about 15 minutes later, I decide it would be better for my feet to enjoy a bottle of champagne with my depressed friend Megan who is often bedbound. Depression is a weird thing and I think I can speak candidly about it since I have been down that road and this blog can surely attest to that. I even did my stint at a mental hospital. That's right, I wanted to walk in front of a bus at one time. But then I realized that I would miss the sky too much or the smell of a flower. This is not even where I wanted to be going with this post in the first place.
It's NYE aka NYD for christs sake!! This year is sure to bring change. And I sure hope my throat does not bring strep to ring it in! Good night 2010, you didn't turn out to be so bad afterall.

just my writing

The title of this post comes from the tabs at the top of this blog site, choices like Monetize, Stats or Design. I just want to write but fear it won't be tonight as I have drank some beers from my place of employment and am now all nestled in bed. And have I mentioned that it is Christmas Eve?
Wow. The thought of it. Thirty five, in my mothers basement about to embark on graduate school. Thank god. If I didn't have that, what would I have? Seriously- it is time to get things rolling and recognize what is funktified. Or lack there of, which is me!
I long for a communtiy but fail to get involved where I reside.. always just two or three steps away from happiness. Isn't that right Perry Farrell, from a cassette tape I listened to in my formative years. Get it? I just poured myself another beer.
Honestly, I am scared of grad school. Sort of like I will fail, or give up. I can't though, then I will be a waitress with 50 grand in debt from a program I never finished. I am so sick of being a waitress. Why am I even thinking like this? Like it's an option not to finish the program. And like it was an option to be a waitress 15 god damn years. Wow.
Maybe I should end on that thought. Or this one.. whatever it is that you want to do, or wanted to do as a child- do it. Life keeps going and it's better to live your dreams than not to.
So one day I will see the Mongolian sky and live in the jungle with animals.

big task done. bigger yet to come.

I found a place to live in Los Angeles. But before I did that, I registered for classes! I think the first semester is going to be the most difficult as far as getting in the swing of things goes seeing as how I have been out of school for about 4 years, apart from my pre reqs (taken one course at a time).. The program is 2 1/2 years of full time- 16 to 17 credits and that sounds pretty intense to me! I'm tired now, hope to write more later.

Why? Why am I still awake??

So I put on Abbey Road through my small computer speakers (what a shame the dude got the Bose) and begin to tell of my night. And let me tell you, I am typing with purpose. Ignore the hunger pangs because when in school you won't be able to afford to eat anyway, get used to it. Ha ha, hopefully.
I had a crappy waitress night because of a co worker whom I dislike and knew I did from the beginning but still gave her a ride home the other day. I do have a big heart. I am going to confront her about her lack of willingness to assist me while taking 100% of the gratuity(I should not have given her the table dammit!) by being very sweet. Starr's idea, and I think it's a good one. That's what sisters are for.
And I'm excited to spend time with mine on Weds.
I'm not even going to try to work that day. Hiking I will do, and have done a lot of. Utah is one beautiful state. Autumn brings out amazingness all around. Frida is as in love with it as I am. The other day she was running through a meadow of fallen Aspen leaves seemingly very deer like. The canyon is called Killiyon's and it is up Emigration Canyon, one of the seven major canyons that open up to the land of Zion. The trail has it all, wide open space, mountain stream, quaking Aspens, big tall Spruce's and plenty of other pines I'm sure. Simply amazing. I want to entrap all of Utah before the snow begins to fall.
Tomorrow, actually in four hours, Frida and I are going to the vet to discuss her ACL infliction. And this vet is so damn hot. Seriously, I am going to dress seductively. But he is married and since I am thirty four I've stopped doing deceitful things. Except to bitchy waitresses.

but good news

I STILL LOVE MYSELF. sometimes more each day.

f*#! my head

or what goes on inside of it rather. Pretty negative talk to begin with this post. I'm thirty four (like to keep reminding myself of that) and the great investor Suzie Orman would be hard to hear that I have nothing saved for my retirement. Nor for my life, which is quite upsetting as of late.
I am freaking out about moneys and college and pets and rents in LA. I do not want to take money from my parents, but that has been offered and I feel relieved when thinking of this. Not that I am not going to accept it, because I can and I will- the mantra of school.
And Shanneqwa Shalahom Shannanyanay this is no way to be thinking two god damned months before the start of a new life. OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. Type with purpose. And quicker. Get out of that funk!

gross.

Question: why would I waste any time on facebook when I could be writing here? Especially in the semi depressed mood that I am in, no better time to write than now. And why am I depressed noone might ask? Internal battle of money and grad school and being a waitress. And it is also one of those nights where I think I do nothing for the social side of my sanity and stay downstairs at my mothers home. I am thirty four.
I guess what I like is to have depressing thoughts. This must change. It's a good idea to phrase it as an adjective rather than a noun, learned this from some self help thing. I am depressing.
It's also a good idea to get some exercise.

Seems to be official... hurry up state budget

My wonderful father and I took a road trip to So. Cal this past week so that I could check out apartments and meet with the department head. I was a little nervous about the meeting, as my brain tells myself that I don't talk to people well (but I am starting to learn that is not the case). As I am walking out of her office she said to me, 'congratulations and welcome on board'. I'm taking this as a good sign. The college is still waiting for funding to go through and then the official letters will be sent out. Happy happy joy joy.
So thus begins the freak out mode of what needs to be done. And the top of the list is work, followed by finding a pitbull friendly apartment, next comes hiking before the damn snow falls and finally packing up all the furnishings for my own place.
I am really excited about getting my own apartment, rather than renting a room in a house. I need to focus and living close to campus in a one bedroom is key. I envision how I will decorate, the cupboards to be filled, art to be hung. And also buying my textbooks and reading the introductions before classes begin. I can and I will.

and here comes October

I got no man and the DVD I rented tonight is terribly scratched. Who cares about either one of these things when there is enough for me to do in this house and in this world that I need not spend one more minute languishing in my many thoughts. Shit I am thirty four years old. This is not where I want to be at this age.
But since I am here, I am going to do what I can to get to where I want to be.

A friend mentioned to me something that has made me realize it is time to focus on doing the things I need to do to succeed. I always loose myself in boys, phone calls, plans, basically just shit. Now is the time to cut back the minutes so I don't owe $100 each month, figure out where it is I will pursue my graduate degree (if LA falls through please God do not)and work.
I have had enough fun this summer. Besides, summer is over and fall has begun.

And since it is fall now, the colors are amazing and the best is yet to come. I am going to fill myself with foilage. And lest we forget, poetry.