fancy this

Occupy America

2011-11-07T01:12:00.000-08:00

Is this the midst of a revolution? One that swarms my email each day and I never respond, nor read for that matter. Shit. Am I really this ambivalent? If you get inside your own head that's the end of it. Remember that. One, maybe two word sentences never sold a book. That's a lie, haiku and other words of poetry. One word on one line, no words on no lines they all sounded the same to the tailor on the minefield who could mot hear anymore. Seconds later he felt a bullet whish past him, a tall and slender man.Boy am I stoned. I'm typing out a scene from The Gods Must Be Crazy in my blog. In stead of camping out with some of them.
I MEAN INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ALL MY ENERGY TO BECOME THE BEST OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST I CAN BE.

Stupid title down below

2011-10-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't even bother to read the post that accompanied the title. I'm too busy being content sitting in my new apartment kitchen enjoying coffee which each sip makes the serrano pepper I ate with my delicious eggs burn baby burn. This is our place, not me moving into his place that was so fancifully decorated it made me cringe. I am now able to buy the perfect table from Goodwill and scrub it clean until the finish comes off. I love thrift stores and think more people should buy from them. Thats all. I think I am going to go lay down and look at the beautiful mans face which whom I will be wed.

does sadness make a better writer?

2011-09-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Because tonight I am feeling unsatisfied with myself. First off, I ate three pieces of fried chicken, what is that all about? Just because you see a movie based in the south does not mean you need to eat the food from it!
I joined a gym the second week of school, which was about 8 months ago. I have been swimming probably 19 times and gone to a few yoga classes. Nice way to spend the $30 a month 'eh? It's always like this with me and maybe humankind too. Not doing the things that are good for you and continuing with the comfort of what you've always known and will probably always be until you decide you've had enough. Which is what I did once.
But wait! Look what I've done! I'm rocking in school~ so far one B the rest A's! I've moved to a different city (I have yet to explore and am longing to do.) And I've fallen in love with a wonderful man, yes internets it is not wise to make decisions while having a psychological meltdown. So stuck I am not. But needing a routine I do in deed!
Maybe it should start with my diet? Some exercise each day? I know. I'll try on my wedding dress, that should open my eyes to the fatness bulging beneath!

two young veterans on the side of Pacific Coast Highway

2011-08-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

There was too much traffic so we stopped to go for a swim in the sea that sometimes covers the very road we were driving on. The water was nice, chilled my fingers and toes at first but once I got over the initial numbing I wanted to stay in it forever. I had never been so close to pelicans diving into the sea, clearly my lengthy body which I tried to stay on the surface with was sitting ontop of a feast of fish below.
After a good 20 minutes (why don't we do this more often?) we dry off and get back into the traffic. A couple of young kids were spotted, obviously drunk and having a good time, walking towards the oncoming traffic. Tattoos and toned bodies, shaved heads, tan skin. These were the children that had been to war.
Their 'fuck everything' attitude rang through their comradery even though their ethnicities were worlds apart. Brothers made in lands far away, experiencing things no human should ever see or feel. Maybe because of Hemingway, at one point I thought war would make a person a better writer. Did these boys write?
I know I would. Like now, and my experience from last night which is making me feel like I want to drive away and never come back again. The mind is such a powerful tool and when it goes off on itself I am in trouble. I need to learn how to channel this energy into something bigger than myself because obviously there are much larger things out there. Like war, the ocean, an opening night play about Rachel Corrie (bless her heart) that I had to leave because my mind thought it was too big to be in that intimate theatre in the woods.
So big deal. I write a single paragraph that records my fears of the night. Fears that make me feeling like leaving everything and exisiting in a world with nothing. And I feel like driving, just driving far away. Like he doesn't understand me and maybe I should leave. But I know it was the weed, and making a decision like that after a night like that should be with caution. Beginning again. We always begin again.

in the morning I shall sit in my hammock

2011-05-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

And I haven't yet decided if I will wear purple when I am old.

I had one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. You see, when you are a waitress not much is fun. You always work weekends, and when you want to go somewhere you have to get your shifts covered and then you come back and are still a waitress. I am not bashing the food industry at all, I have definitely paid my dues and enjoyed myself the past oh 16 years or so, but just the mere fact of knowing I will never come home smelling of food again brings the swing to my hammock.
So the last week what made it so great? Well I finished my first semester of graduate school and am about to embark on my second today! I enjoyed myself thoroughly and am happy to say that I did not get all of the organizing done that I had planned but rather laid in a creek for hours feeling like a fish!We went camping near Ojai, only 2 hours away from LA and had such an amazing time that we both decided camping trips are mandatory monthly. We're going to have all of the gear in an easy container to go and throw it in the car and take off! That same container will come with us through the Apocalypse I'm sure.
I also took an amazing hike in the park where I am to be wed and can not wait to show the trail to Bahram. 2.9 miles of different floras and faunas which resemble the great state of Utah and other lands I am sure. I am so happy that we chose the park for our wedding because it already has a lot of meaning to us.

And as for the purple? It's one of our wedding colors since it is a Persian wonder color, so perhaps I shall wear it in when I am old. On the trail in the park.

listening to the birds while I revel in near completion

2011-05-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

My first semester of graduate school is almost done! I would have been finished by now, but my flash drive got a virus and my entire portfolio I created got jacked up. What else could I do but laugh? Luckily the teacher/IT guy recreated some of it and put it on a cd so I don't have to begin at square one, more like three or four :)
I'm very proud of myself that I stayed in the program, up until week seven I thought of dropping out daily, as I am sure some of these posts have told. But I know I would have been very upset with that choice, half the battle is getting into the program-I'm really on the home stretch now.
Honestly I don't know what I've learned and am anxious for summer to start fieldwork and get hands on experience. School to me seems like it's a total bureaucratic mess of just seeing who can go through the hoops. Well guess what? If the first summer session doesn't loose me, then I for sure am staying. It'll just be another paper that our lovely governor (hopefully will still be Jerry Brown) will have to sign. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed my first,even more proof of the BS one goes through in higher education.
I know I'm pretty hard on myself but do think it would be more beneficial for both my upcoming career and my erudite being if I applied myself better in school. I barely read any texts this semester and have sort of made a decision not to buy the books for the upcoming semester until I see how needed they will be. How's that for starting the semester off on the right foot?
On other aspects of my livelihood, wedding planning is awesome when you have a planner who is German and divine. I couldn't do it if I were to do it alone, I don't see how anyone does! Our location is amazing and a pretty special place for us, as it is at a park right down the street from our home. It's gonna be pretty spectacular and the fun stuff is just beginning! I still need to find my dress, I just can't fork out 5 G on the one I loved, surely there are others out there just as entrancing..

more student jibberish

2011-04-26T10:57:00.001-07:00

I'm failing Anatomy. This is not what a bride should be doing. And what can I do about this? Well with four quizes to go and one final, hopefully bring it up to a.... I don't even want to say it. I've never failed a course before and in graduate school? That's even worse! I am talking to my advisor and my teacher this week to see if I am going to be kicked out of the program, worst case scenerio always on my mind ;) Sorry I haven't been keeping my phantom readers up to date. This is what I've been doing, studying(ish as you can tell from Anatomy grade) and hanging with Bahram. I may have found my wedding dress but did not purchase yet as I need to see what I can do about a little weight gain (aka loss). Graduate school has put 7 lbs on me in two months! Outrageous. I have been the same size since I can remember so those extra lbs sure made me feel like a real woman. But back to my sick feeling inside. What am I going to do if kicked out of the program? I'll tell you what- enjoy my life. Because as a student I don't do enough of that. Peace out.

my husband, his cougar

2011-03-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

'a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other gaurdian of his solitude' rainer maria rilke

there is no bullshitting anymore

2011-02-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

You are in week 6 of graduate school and it is starting to toughen up. But guess what? You can do it kiddo! Just focus and concentrate and get off your damn blog! Ha, just wanted to put the title up because it is the total truth. Aint no BS in the medical field. Damn!

seriously Shannon seriously

2011-02-21T20:03:00.001-08:00

You have been at Bahrams house all weekend, with all of your books in tow and a great little study area set up by your love and what have you done? Here is a another question in case you can't answer the first one. What are your scores on your anatomy quizes thus far? And when are midterms? Shit Shannon you gotta get with the program dude. Seriously this is an impacted graduate level program and the only thing you've impacted is your heart with love. I guess that's a start? Now start on what is necessary.. Learn those muscles!

wish I would have let it go to voicemail

2011-02-15T05:45:00.000-08:00

So then I could listen to it over and over again.
Dad 'I'm always happy but today I feel extra happy and that's because you are so happy, so thank you for the added happiness'
Me 'Actually dad I'm miserable'

I'm mad at myself

2011-02-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

I am learning how to be an Occupational Therapist but I hardly read my books. Still BSing my way through college, so what am I really learning anyway? This is stupid and it must change. From now on my To Do Lists end with 'reward myself by seeing Bahram'. If I haven't gotten it done, he is not to be seen. Period. You hear that stubborn Shannon? Make a difference in your life. You're paying for it after all(both literally and figuratively). And this stuff is pretty applicable to daily life, should be interesting. You got the ring and as new as the relationship is, it is stable and you feel good about all things. Now is the time for school. 4 weeks in girl, don't mess it up. Period.

Introductions and Exams

2011-02-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am writing here when I have an exam at 10 in the morning. Ugh. Gotta go. But wanted to say oh hey! Going to SLC this weekend to introduce him to the fam. He's funny too. I told him I wanted him to dress nice for our dinner I've arranged at a fine dining establishment in Park City that I crave like no other and he told me he had a nice pink shirt and pink tie. I'm thinking, cool Starr's husband loves pink and I can totally dig that. Then he said he had a yellow suit to go with it. I am so in love with him that I can't stand it. Like I can study. Want to hear more? Ha ha ha. Two months and engaged. Who would have thought? The grin on my face is all telling. He is going to buy me a house and a farm. It just keeps getting better. Hopefully this is no joke. If it were, I'd take that ring and pay off my car and my student loans. Is that kosher? Judge Judy what would you say??

Got it.

2011-02-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

And it is making a disco ball on my wall from the sun. Holy Shit. It is a damn good thing to be in love.

Is this really happening?

2011-02-05T02:25:00.000-08:00

So, where should I begin? How we met? Roger Waters concert Dec 5, 2010. He came up to me after seeing me walk down the stairs in the sold out arena. I kept his number, even though the line he advanced with was quite bad, he's foreign, but I thought it would be nice to have a date when I get back to LA. So I move here on Jan 12 ish. We go out one night before school started, I find him interesting. He is a mad environmentalist and has passion for politics and poetry. I am still trying to figure out if he is hot and want to see him again. We go out during the first week of school. I'm really impressed this time with the conversation. I bust a move in his car when he drops me home. He asked me out to go to a super shissy restaurant in Beverly Hills for the weekend. I decline because I am going through the normal Shannon Bullshit about not being able to do school and why should I reward myself with fine dinner?
We got out to Mastro's the following weekend. He says he waited 10 days for that, he actually counted from the last time I saw him. Scotch's on the menu cost $30, I'm wondering if it is for a whole bottle. The piano man, who has been playing there 40 years and knows over 400 songs sings 'Have I told you lately that I love you' upon our entrance, he tells me that is his song. Hilarius. Dinner was good, the waitress was super cute and I can't wait to go back and ask her a few questions about my new man.. waitress' know a lot.

Rewind to today. I am completely in love with him and he feels exactly the same. I can't even begin to write here of all of the amazing things he does for me. A few examples? Brings me fresh citrus in the morning from during his LA freeway commute, set up plates of fruit and almonds (decided they would be better roasted, so roasted them) around me while I tried to study at his beautiful home.He wnats to own some land with chickens, lamas and goats, hates plastic, has no microwave and cooks amazing food. He shucked me a dozen oysters, his best friend and him only ate three of them! I am so having oysters at my wedding.
We've talked about marriage, I feel the weight of a ring on my finger.It's crazy. He wants me to move in and I told him not until we are married. Best part, no sex yet. He even said he could wait until our wedding night. I want to hold him to that. It just feels right so I am pretty sure we are going to rush in.. I want a ring and then I'll move in, wedding after school is finished.
He is so kind and smart too.He's an engineer who owns his owns a small company, a demolitian man who is so fucking sexy in his work boots and cowboy hat. I wish I could write about all of the details of amazing things that have happened, like when I woke up from being passed out at his house, notice a glass of water on the night stand and walk into his kitchen to hear him singing very loudly the line of Rumi in Farsi. That is the instant we fell in love. Him, because I said I didn't want to disturb his poetry and me because he said I was the climax of it.
I can't believe I found my husband and just knew it. You hear stories of this happening, btu never think it would or wonder if it will work. Whatever, I am going with it. I have nothing to loose to a Persian warrior who I am hopefully bringing to meet my family next weekend. Wow. I really want that ring.

I'm in love

2011-01-29T17:33:00.000-08:00

That's all.

fancy is as fancy does

2011-01-24T20:13:00.000-08:00

And here I am in all my glory. I've started this post 19 times and yet again do not feel like writing all my innards out. Because they suck. I wait and wait and think when will I change and become motivated to study and not think about random men I just met with beautiful curly hairs and Mercedes Benz's.
I started graduate school last week and had a huge meltdown, going to get back on some anti d's because my thinking is so distorted. My classes seem ok, nothing has really grabbed me as totally interesting yet, but it is applicable to daily life so that is good.
But basically I am the same old me. I haven't started to exercise, eat right, study or blah blah blah. Time will only tell.

It has arrived, year thirty five!

2011-01-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

I think I have too much going on right now to have a birthday today. I am throwing a going away/bday party tonight so perhaps afterwards it may seem more real that I am officially closer to forty. But you know me, age I do seek! Can't wait for those scotch's on the porch at age 79.
My life as I know it is about to change. And I am so excited about that. Sorry people if you don't hear from me often, maybe that will bring more phantom readers to my bloggg.

It's 2011. I have a sore throat.

2011-01-01T01:03:00.000-08:00

And I did a good deed. After working 11 hours today I wanted to go see Casey, a beloved beloved, at his club to ring in the new year. One scotch and about 15 minutes later, I decide it would be better for my feet to enjoy a bottle of champagne with my depressed friend Megan who is often bedbound. Depression is a weird thing and I think I can speak candidly about it since I have been down that road and this blog can surely attest to that. I even did my stint at a mental hospital. That's right, I wanted to walk in front of a bus at one time. But then I realized that I would miss the sky too much or the smell of a flower. This is not even where I wanted to be going with this post in the first place.
It's NYE aka NYD for christs sake!! This year is sure to bring change. And I sure hope my throat does not bring strep to ring it in! Good night 2010, you didn't turn out to be so bad afterall.

just my writing

2010-12-24T00:06:00.000-08:00

The title of this post comes from the tabs at the top of this blog site, choices like Monetize, Stats or Design. I just want to write but fear it won't be tonight as I have drank some beers from my place of employment and am now all nestled in bed. And have I mentioned that it is Christmas Eve?
Wow. The thought of it. Thirty five, in my mothers basement about to embark on graduate school. Thank god. If I didn't have that, what would I have? Seriously- it is time to get things rolling and recognize what is funktified. Or lack there of, which is me!
I long for a communtiy but fail to get involved where I reside.. always just two or three steps away from happiness. Isn't that right Perry Farrell, from a cassette tape I listened to in my formative years. Get it? I just poured myself another beer.
Honestly, I am scared of grad school. Sort of like I will fail, or give up. I can't though, then I will be a waitress with 50 grand in debt from a program I never finished. I am so sick of being a waitress. Why am I even thinking like this? Like it's an option not to finish the program. And like it was an option to be a waitress 15 god damn years. Wow.
Maybe I should end on that thought. Or this one.. whatever it is that you want to do, or wanted to do as a child- do it. Life keeps going and it's better to live your dreams than not to.
So one day I will see the Mongolian sky and live in the jungle with animals.

big task done. bigger yet to come.

2010-11-24T00:07:00.000-08:00

I found a place to live in Los Angeles. But before I did that, I registered for classes! I think the first semester is going to be the most difficult as far as getting in the swing of things goes seeing as how I have been out of school for about 4 years, apart from my pre reqs (taken one course at a time).. The program is 2 1/2 years of full time- 16 to 17 credits and that sounds pretty intense to me! I'm tired now, hope to write more later.

Why? Why am I still awake??

2010-10-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

So I put on Abbey Road through my small computer speakers (what a shame the dude got the Bose) and begin to tell of my night. And let me tell you, I am typing with purpose. Ignore the hunger pangs because when in school you won't be able to afford to eat anyway, get used to it. Ha ha, hopefully.
I had a crappy waitress night because of a co worker whom I dislike and knew I did from the beginning but still gave her a ride home the other day. I do have a big heart. I am going to confront her about her lack of willingness to assist me while taking 100% of the gratuity(I should not have given her the table dammit!) by being very sweet. Starr's idea, and I think it's a good one. That's what sisters are for.
And I'm excited to spend time with mine on Weds.
I'm not even going to try to work that day. Hiking I will do, and have done a lot of. Utah is one beautiful state. Autumn brings out amazingness all around. Frida is as in love with it as I am. The other day she was running through a meadow of fallen Aspen leaves seemingly very deer like. The canyon is called Killiyon's and it is up Emigration Canyon, one of the seven major canyons that open up to the land of Zion. The trail has it all, wide open space, mountain stream, quaking Aspens, big tall Spruce's and plenty of other pines I'm sure. Simply amazing. I want to entrap all of Utah before the snow begins to fall.
Tomorrow, actually in four hours, Frida and I are going to the vet to discuss her ACL infliction. And this vet is so damn hot. Seriously, I am going to dress seductively. But he is married and since I am thirty four I've stopped doing deceitful things. Except to bitchy waitresses.

but good news

2010-10-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

I STILL LOVE MYSELF. sometimes more each day.

f*#! my head

2010-10-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

or what goes on inside of it rather. Pretty negative talk to begin with this post. I'm thirty four (like to keep reminding myself of that) and the great investor Suzie Orman would be hard to hear that I have nothing saved for my retirement. Nor for my life, which is quite upsetting as of late.
I am freaking out about moneys and college and pets and rents in LA. I do not want to take money from my parents, but that has been offered and I feel relieved when thinking of this. Not that I am not going to accept it, because I can and I will- the mantra of school.
And Shanneqwa Shalahom Shannanyanay this is no way to be thinking two god damned months before the start of a new life. OF GRADUATE SCHOOL. Type with purpose. And quicker. Get out of that funk!

gross.

2010-10-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Question: why would I waste any time on facebook when I could be writing here? Especially in the semi depressed mood that I am in, no better time to write than now. And why am I depressed noone might ask? Internal battle of money and grad school and being a waitress. And it is also one of those nights where I think I do nothing for the social side of my sanity and stay downstairs at my mothers home. I am thirty four.
I guess what I like is to have depressing thoughts. This must change. It's a good idea to phrase it as an adjective rather than a noun, learned this from some self help thing. I am depressing.
It's also a good idea to get some exercise.

Seems to be official... hurry up state budget

2010-10-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

My wonderful father and I took a road trip to So. Cal this past week so that I could check out apartments and meet with the department head. I was a little nervous about the meeting, as my brain tells myself that I don't talk to people well (but I am starting to learn that is not the case). As I am walking out of her office she said to me, 'congratulations and welcome on board'. I'm taking this as a good sign. The college is still waiting for funding to go through and then the official letters will be sent out. Happy happy joy joy.
So thus begins the freak out mode of what needs to be done. And the top of the list is work, followed by finding a pitbull friendly apartment, next comes hiking before the damn snow falls and finally packing up all the furnishings for my own place.
I am really excited about getting my own apartment, rather than renting a room in a house. I need to focus and living close to campus in a one bedroom is key. I envision how I will decorate, the cupboards to be filled, art to be hung. And also buying my textbooks and reading the introductions before classes begin. I can and I will.

and here comes October

2010-09-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

I got no man and the DVD I rented tonight is terribly scratched. Who cares about either one of these things when there is enough for me to do in this house and in this world that I need not spend one more minute languishing in my many thoughts. Shit I am thirty four years old. This is not where I want to be at this age.
But since I am here, I am going to do what I can to get to where I want to be.

A friend mentioned to me something that has made me realize it is time to focus on doing the things I need to do to succeed. I always loose myself in boys, phone calls, plans, basically just shit. Now is the time to cut back the minutes so I don't owe $100 each month, figure out where it is I will pursue my graduate degree (if LA falls through please God do not)and work.
I have had enough fun this summer. Besides, summer is over and fall has begun.

And since it is fall now, the colors are amazing and the best is yet to come. I am going to fill myself with foilage. And lest we forget, poetry.

me wants success

2010-08-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

I think too much. Have been told this before, and I know it to be true so I am trying to focus on other things and one of those is getting a routine. But here is the kicker, the real shit kicker, I set up a study schedule one day for me, a timeline per se, and have yet to do it. I know I have stated this over and over again, but it's almost like I want to fail myself. Like I am setting myself up for disappointment. For instance, why would I fret about not getting into grad school when I have an email conformation stating my seat is saved. Because it's not an official letter, end of thought about that.

Next. After reading my last published post I only now sit down to write.. what is up with that? If I want to write, I should be doing it every single day. The harp still waits to be blown, the laps have lapsed and the pool is soon to close. Blah blah. It's not all blah though.
Had another amazing weekend in Vegas. My man George, a very good man indeed, played in a poker tournament and won twenty thousand dollars. Did you get that internets? 20 thousand dollars. The chips were so beautiful but the bundles of bills smelled better. I was a complete wreck watching him play and hoped that my nerves didn't get passed on to him. Out of 433 he qualified to the final 18 and then placed 5th. Way to go George! You don't even know this blog exists. He was so thoughtful too, gave me 1000 for support! (which went straight to the c.c and only 1000 more to go.)

So the goals are in place and I am definitely in the right head space the only thing now is movement. And that is what humans do, even hermits keep moving aka living. On a side note, I went to an exhibit of paintings done by Orangutans and it,once again, brought back my childhood dreams of being Jane Goodall. I'm thinking a crazy adventure (not metro city light up time) is in the near future.

waiting between the interment and the social

2010-08-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

The obituary shocked me completely because Lee was born on my exact same birthday. Talk about a wake up to the shortness of life. I'm at his funeral supporting his sort of x wife and having a few private battles in my head when all that is spoken of Lee goes against everything I am internalizing. Why am I like this? One fellow even said to cut all the B.S out of your head and be up front with everyone you meet. Then why did I tell the girl I was introduced to Sunday that I couldn't remember her name because I was drunk? Truth was that I never introduced myself to learn her name. I know Lee would have told me to get the freak out of my head, you're at my funeral dude!
It was such a beautiful afternoon and I got pretty inspired from all of the friends who spoke so kindly of this man. It made me want to get to know more people. I wish I had spent the time to know Lee better when we worked together. The sense of commuinty around this man is one that I long for. I need to get involved with something that will last throughout my life. Lee had his drums and I have my thumb, which seperates me more than I'd like to admit. It is hard to get involved when I am going to be relocating soon and don't know where I will end up. But if the longing for community is there, will it find me? Does everything truly happen for a reason? I feel as though it does, just as Lee felt his life wouldn't be too long.
Lee was a musician and when they gathered to play the most amazing drums the little chapel in Spanish Fork will probably ever hear, his spirit was definitely there. The drum teacher called out to all people Lee's age and since we were born on the exact same day I have to take what he said to heart. Whatever it is that you want to do, do it. Time is short and you never know when it will be taken away from you.
I started thinking, what is it that I wanted to do? Writing came first to mind and that is why I stopped to jot this down before going to the home of a loved one to partake in food and listen to more drums. And learning to play the harmonica is something I wanted for a long time and since this afternoon was totally music oriented I think it is the right time to start. Lee's younger brother, a pianist recalled talking to him on Tuesday (he died Friday the 13) and Lee told him to practice. He told us all that he was going to. And I should take those words to heart as well.

Bonobo... don't you know...

2010-08-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

I heard a great book review today and it brought me back to my childhood dreams that have not been forgotten, but have not been acted upon either. And I don't really plan to act on them except for in tourist ways. Because let's face it, at age 34 and with no biological sciences under my belt, I am not going to be a Jane Goodall.
The book is called Bonobo Handshake and I am adding it to my to reads before school starts list. The author is super hot too, Vanessa Woods is her name and she mentioned the woman who studied Orangutans who wrote a book O deeply admired in my early college years.
Now some family drama is going on and it is hard for me to focus on writing good stuff about my life. Truth be told, my parents are somewhat smootherers and don't get me wrong, they are the cream of the Earth, but comes a time when you've got to let your kids figure out their own shit WITH THE HELP OF PSYCHOLOGISTS. So boo ya!
And one last thing, why is it that after spending 90 minutes sweating out toxins from each tiny pore in my body I crave bad food? I ate the remnants of the Sunchips ma brought home rather than farm fresh peaches? No boo ya!

Has it really been almost a month?

2010-08-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

And my discipline is next to nil still. Shoot! School is right around the corner and I have multiple muscles to digest along with sytems of study habits to develop. My therapist says the best words regarding my fifteen minute attention span ie. do marathon runners start with marathons? You've got to build that stuff up girly and you better start now. And stop turning this blog into a must do, can do, to do list.
How about telling of things done? Like a surprise all expenses paid trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith front row and Cheap Trick perform Sgt. Peppers in it's entirety. It's true, I spoke to Steven Tyler myself, asked him for a trademark scarf that was tied around his mic stand. He said I couldn't have it, but I did get a drumstick which will be used as a plant holder-uper sometime in my later life I'm sure. I hadn't been to Vegas since 1998 so the trip was long overdue, I am still on a high from it actually and it's been a whole week since I was there. I expect to go back many a time due to a friendly fellow who resides there. And it's only 4 hours away from LA!
But back to real life, ma is sick and pretty unhealthy, Frida is still in need of a $5000 surgery and I finally went to Bikram Yoga today after a too many month break. Things are going good for now and I only expect them to get better. Hope my mother catches this feel good vibe as well.

why wouldn't I?

2010-07-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my 11 p.m cup of Turkish coffee from the delicious restaurant Mazza, I will now arrange a study place in the basement of my mothers house. I hope to find a nice desk in which to place my I Mac, generously given to me by my brother, a lamp, books of the medical sorts, and of course the goddess of learning Saraswati. I hope to put the EMDR machine to good use for the next six months and remember the mantra.. I can and I will.

I have been doing fun things

2010-07-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Having just returned from a midnight bike ride with my ipod and no helmet I wanted to tell the world what has been going on in my life as of yet this summer. First off, I got a few clients with my Senior Services so low and behold, I am an entrepreneur. But I am totally digging my waitress job as well still, it is a great social outlet and gets me out of the damn suburbs. The pool beckons nightly and my laps are improving (especially when I am angry.. found the secret to a good work out). I hike multiple times a week and the canyons here still take my breath away. The summer concert series starts tomorrow with Modest Mouse and what a better way to enjoy a night?
I took my mother to the hospital today to meet with a dietitian and totally got inspired to be the best O.T I can be. I am going to start reviewing my notes from Anatomy and Physiology. I need to maintain a B average in the program so I had better start it with some good summer studying under my belt. I also would like to start finishing the books I begin because when school rolls around I will not have time for a fun read. And besides that, reading is the best thing I can do for myself.
A few things have been not so fun though. The first ever time of feeling my biological clock the other night threw me for a total loop. I was glad the next day when I held an infant that the feeling was nowhere to be found because, lets face it, like anyone still needs to be procreating. We have an oil spill to clean up, which sadly hasn't had much of my attention because I decided it was a good idea to open my heart to a fellow who in return sort of chipped it. Being a bad kisser aside, I gained volumes from him on how I should be treated in my upcoming relationships. And there will certainly be more to come this Summer, but more importantly academia in the Spring!

remember this awakening

2010-06-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

7:09 Nobody is there but my dog and I, yet I reach out my arms to envelop another and then I open my eyes. The thoughts came first this morning and then the movement. Does this happen often in the brain? Must take notes in early a.m.

Sunsets change moods

2010-06-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a complete wash and sadly, this happens weekly. I would have so much rather woken up, stretched with the dog, made mom some breakfast and gone for a walk. But instead I stayed in bed far too long, made a big bowl of oats and got back into bed. This is not how I wanted my day to begin. I mentioned a hike to my sister but the weather was not permitting so we chose an indoor activity instead. We went to a fucking mall to waste time. I think we were both feeling the same type of blah today, but she has two kids and I? No excuses. I did engage in a few meaningful activities and got an inspiring text about a friend who landed a job in HI (1-2-3ALOHA!)But when it comes down to it, I do not do the things that need to be done for me. And yes, I am extrememly hard on myself.
The day dragged on until night sky started to arise and the clouds offered solace to my over thoughts. When bold crimson offset grey blue I raced up to Wasatch Blvd. in time to see golden lining of setting sun. The colors on the trail from sage and long grass were absolutely incredible as well, and the burnt orange boulders that make up my home leant themselves nicely to my lean.
But now I am back in my bed. Must chase sunsets more often.

Have I finally left the gutter

2010-06-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

of domestic dysfunctional unhappiness? If not out all the way, the only thing left in are my feet. Which I just scrubbed pretty hard with salt, so hopefully all of the muck is off. I am happy. Wait a minute, I AM HAPPY. Much better. There are a few times I still think of the man who shall not be named,like what if he finds my blog or finds out where I live now, and yes sometimes I still look behind me. And I do, on occasion, check my trash mailbox which his emails get sent directly to. But I'm getting better at pushing the empty button, how genius that is on the outside!
A friend told me she could tell I was doing better because I am funny again. To think I even buried that! It is so great to be in this beautiful state this time of year, around my family and helping my mother. I truly feel blessed. And not in the Mormon type of blessing because man those people dressed head to toe in the most innocuous clothing on a SATURDAY in 90 degree weather really bother me.

why I should be sticking to a better regime

2010-05-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

A. It is not good to almost eat an entire small cheese pizza from The Pie to oneself
B. The whopping $1500 in your account is going. Fast.
C. Visiting with family members is nice and all, but maybe you should make some friends.
D. You are only 34 once.

Tomorrow Frida and I shall hike. Unless I can pick up some $2.13 an hour gig lifting heavy trays and smiling all the way. Utah, ya it's pretty good for me. Somewhat.

I have the hiccups. Crushed Red Pepper Tecate endorsed hiccups.

could I really do that?

2010-05-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Could I really kill my pooch? My stomach is sick just thinking about it. I'm going with the have as much fun as we can notion, real life will come when it may. Five thousand plus dollars is a lot of money. Ugh.

Oh the beauty

2010-05-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Knowing it was going to be a gorgeous day today, I laid in bed for a long time adoring my dogs face (I know, I know, maybe it is time to look for a man) but as long as she cuddles so close to me I am going to let her and therefor start my day at 11 well, noon. Staying in bed that long often makes me lazy and although I felt like taking Frida in the forest (thank you Utah)I tried to talk myself out of it and go to a park instead. Am I glad I went canyon bound. It is so good to be back in Utah and experiencing things of my youth again, we went up Ferguson Canyon which I frequented in high school. It was simply amazing. Pictures I will post and hopefully soon. Frida was a mistake to bring up there though, she kept trying to get into the raging stream and I had to keep her on the leash. From now on the canyon Frida and I shall visit is Neffs, Ferguson will be for me alone. It was a chore going down through the wet boulders with 70 pounds of pure muscles pulling me. I kept thinking about the health insurance that I do not have and maybe it is wise to hike with another person. Problem is, I don't know many people here. To internets I go?

Summer has begun!

2010-05-21T12:52:00.001-07:00

I just got back from a quick camping trip to beautiful Utah desert. I love the sandstone and am happy it is so close to me. I actually wrote a great post my first night camping but the smallness of my phone screen canceled the wonderfully written post and I am left with this.
I found out Frida needs a very expensive surgery and have been considering my options, so want to show her as much fun as I can if infact, I have to make the decision to put her to sleep. As a friend said, all good dogs must die. It is just a shame that she is so young and has had already $2000 put in to her. I hate to make a decision solely based on money but I feel like I am being a grown up, and next time I get a pooch I will definitely be more financially available.
My camping spot had a little watering hole for cattle which Frida found after I had walked her over to it. She loves the water so much and I hope it doesn't hurt her torn ACL too much. She is so tried and dirty now. True signs of a happy dog. I am going to post some camping pictures soon.

oh restless nights

2010-05-13T01:13:00.000-07:00

But at least the throbbing in my thumb from the splinter that wedged itself underneath my nail has gone, the pain kept me up all of last night. Tonight I have been reading pointless bloggs about child rearing, trips I may someday take,and unfathomable oil spills. The latter has really thrown me for a doozy the last few days, so much so that I haven't even written about the miracle of birth that I witnessed or the food I am beginning to grow. I have received a few volunteer emails from groups around Louisiana and am eager to help out firsthand, but the problem still looms and there is little set up to do for now. We can only hope the flow will stop. Unbelievable that the grand old US of A doesn't impose stricter regulations on possible catastrophic techniques. Will the band continue to play?
All of the craziness in the world reinforces my decision on not bringing children into this world. I have nothing against people that do, and am entirely appreciative that all of my sisters have birthed their own. But for me, I'll get me a few that need to be loved after I'm done with my schooling and have a stable adulthood, because 34 isn't mature yet..
But speaking of birth, I did witness one and what an event that was. Happy Birthday Holland James, on May 3 2010. What a smooth transition an epidural allows! I expected screaming and name calling etc, but got none of that. I cheered on my little sister and after about 3 hearty pushes she entered this earth. I did not expect the episiotomy and when I saw those shiny shears, I turned away and did not get to see the placenta delivered. Starr was able to watch everything and the god complex doctor explained where the cord was attached and all. How exciting Smith family! Glad it's not me! But happy to watch the talking child whenver you may need.

another from the tiny face.

2010-05-03T04:14:00.000-07:00

There are night birds where a I currently reside. Thier songs I do love. I apologize for not keeping better blogg but tomorrows post will be one not to miss. What is the problem with guys? Come on! You're to be married in 19 days. A birth I will witness tomorrow! I wish it was in a trough.

on my tiny touch screen.. can you imagine?!

2010-04-29T01:41:00.000-07:00

I blew out the candles long ago but still can't fall asleep because of the great mood that I am in. And for no other reason than my fabulous head (and the parts inside it).

and this is how life is supposed to be

2010-04-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

Or actually how I like my life to be. I'm busy, getting ready for drinks with a friend who is passing through town, then off on a date, and then to a reinvented carnival, and finish it off with a stop by the W to say hello to my best friend, who by the way, owns the greatest dance club in Salt Lake City. Just ask City Weekly (I feel like a proud parent!)

for you Ira, and everything else

2010-04-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

My life is killing me. Or my lack of life. Constant thought of changes I want to make but never do. What will it take? I feel like I am almost at that point, driven myself mad enough to finally do. The quote I was trying to remember with my mother is something like this- 'Out of the strain of the doing, into the peace of the done'. Should I get a new tatoo?
I get bursts of inspiration, I always have. But seldom do what needs to. For instance, for the first time in my life I have a business card. How many have I handed out? Not many. But some, I know I am hard on myself so am trying to reverse this thought as I type it out. It's working. I know I am capable of so much more and have the talent and support I need to achieve things. And my astrological sign exudes success, especially in the upcoming few years.
I should change the profile on my blogg to read- My $50 yoga mat sits in the corner and mocks me. I don't know what my excuse is of dining out and spending money that I do not have on an artichoke cheese dip with buckets of grease floating atop and feeling that it is fine to eat like this all of the time. Because I basically do. And it's always this inside my head, tomorrow I will get the bagel or doughnut that is oh so good and then I will start eating better. No, things do not work this way Shannon. That said dip, caused my friend to vomit hours later.
But for Ira I choose this- and I've said this before and it's embarrasing to live like this but it is the way I am and I love me, and I'm working on some things, so one day you'll see... Ira, all of the wonders of this mondern world which somewhat intimidate me needn't so. I need not feel so anxious at the thought of social interactions and must get out of my comfort zone in order to do anything different in my life. Remember what Einstein said about insanity. I don't want to go there just yet.

annoying suggestion

2010-04-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

I got a few comments by some Mike fellow for a best blogg interview. Don't know where that came from, but I decided to participate. I don't even know where my blogg is on the site but check it check it yo, bloggerinterviewer.com. Vote for me, if you find me. And I hope I don't get a shitton load of emails from them now.

it keeps growing and growing and..

2010-03-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

When I make money I will be older they'll love my words just like a waving flag. Aint that right K'naan? Pardon in advance for busting into rhyme as I type, it's hard not to. But of course you need the tune in your head- so go buy it. Yes, go to a store and buy the c.d. Don't get it for free from the internets, I'll still be here when you get back. Broke ass me even bought it. But I'm thinking of getting MGMT for free next month. Enough about music, or is it?
You see, I've been in this funk for the last oh, six years, and feel a bit out of touch with the scene and when I go into the superstore of Amoeba I get overwhelmed so any suggestions unphantom readers? I dig all the styles, god bless them every single one. Maybe not Christian Rock, definitely not Christian Rock. Especially Classical, which I have a lot to learn about but I am learning to take advantage of studying musicians in colleges. They're cheap and often intimate, not to make music programs sound like floozies.
But back to the growth! Hello world- here is I the fancy one,the one who gets a comment or four and am ecstatic about it. WTF I need a life. But I am content with the one I have for now. However I definitely need to finish more books. And get up to dance right now. He does that to me you know.
..Is it true when they saw all you need is just love? What about those that have loved only to find that it's taken away?.. After school we study the lessons I asked God to slow down to seconds he does the opposite that's what I'm guessing I better chill and count my own blessings..

just in case your wondering

2010-03-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

No, I never built a chicken coop but I am finishing a bottle of wine to myself right now! I felt like writing more today, yesterday, and tonight but when the time comes to it, which is now, my head just feels like spinning and I am going to bed. Happy Birthday Wendi Jo! You are a good friend indeed, even though we don't talk much. And to that I blame myself, I seldom talk to anybody. But get this.. I'm a waitress.
Oh this meaningless drunk post is getting only sloppier. But I did hear a good thing tonight from the clerk at seven eleven which my freaking SUV drove up to (and I vowed never to drive to a convience store again, even in the valley of salt where the streets are wide enough for oxen a girl should definitely walk and not drive to these neon establishments) and he said 'eating healthy is unpatriotic', I replied 'good'. Patriotric is the last thing I want to be.

things I will never do again

2010-03-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

A. Say that I am bored. There is much to much to do in this wonderful life. Including, looking for different graduate programs to apply to, organizing my mothers house,building a chicken coop, cooking, reading, writing.. You get my jest.
B. Talk to Antonio or read another email from him. YAY double YA YA YAY
That pretty much covers it. Had to get that out.

not nothing

2010-03-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sitting here wanting to say words but about what? About how I feel bored and am chastising myself for feeling that way since there is a mountain of furniture to move downstairs and also because I am alive. And if nothing else, I have Frida to proove it. That dog is so damn cute. We shall hike and camp a lot this summer compilments of saddlebags I'll buy fot the bitch so she can carry all my gear. Hey, she's a pitbull, why not? Yesterday we went to that big salty lake, that which this city is named for and she is encrusted with the salt still today. Perhaps I should wash her? Or got to Yoga? I definitely need to start doing that again, especially if I want muscles like hers. Frida that is. So perhaps I will title this post Frida, since I started with paragraph instead of one line. And a question to you my not so phantom readers, do I use too many punctuations marks? My mother the editor would surely do know!

splitting myself in two

2010-03-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

Another mini bout of insomnia which led, of course, to pen and paper and eventually me getting out of bed admiring outstretched dog, pouring milk (should have used the soy) on cereal and sitting down in front of this illuminated machine. I can't decide if I like private thoughts or published ones better, so I will keep up both and hope to get up to my nine public posts a month again. But my privates, well they started around age 14, some well written words I am sure. Thank you Mr. Carlisle, that was the newsmans name. Here is a secret, when I am dead I hope they find an old mail truck on my property overflowing with words I've written and never sent, creatives left to be discovered post mortem.
And I've sort of regretted mentioning a long duck dong in public, but it makes me happy that my sexuality is alive again since it has been so jacked up the past few years. So like my lower lip says, So Be It. I've been personal enough in this blog, why stop now?

why must I have forsaken thee?

2010-03-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

It makes me excited to know that people read my blog. Especailly those that read from start to finish. Which should really never be, and to that I say I'm sorry for slacking, maybe next year I will be voted best Utah blog in City Weekly. But then of course I will not live here next year. Yes it is true, I have relocated to the land of Zion, the land of Salt. And boy what a rough transition it has been to be. But it is nice to know this move is for less than a year, sorry Rock, and in that year I plan to a. save money b. help my mother c. spend lots of time with nieces and nephews d. explore as much of Utah as I can d. hike a shitload in the Wasatch front and e. find a new lover, yes only a lover cause I need no relationship dragging down on me(only a long duck dong).
I check for cheap flights to SF daily seeing as how it is snowing outside right now. Yes, it is March 12 or whatever and it is snowing. Frida likes to eat it though, it is pretty damn cute. She hates the way snow feels on her, but digs them freshly placed ground flakes. Bonus! I found a plethora of random BMX bike wheels in a discount cart at Smiths and bought them all, at 50 cents a piece and rubber, they will be the best bought dog chews ever. I can hear her chewing now and it's been about thirty minutes since I introduced the spiked white godesses to her. I hope she's not ingesting it though. I've found enough bright green balloons in her poop.

Statistics

2010-02-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Age: Thirty Four. Date: February 12, 2010 Friday. Time: 9:57 p.m. Place: San Francisco. Activity: Nil.
I am a single beautiful woman with mucho qualities to offer yet I prefer to walk my dog in the dark and not make eye contact with anyone on the street. On a Friday night. In San Francisco. Why? What will I become if I don't start putting myself out there? My mother? No offense to ma, I love her like no other but she is lonely lonely lonely. And I am thirty four. All I have to do is find a group, like the ones I saw huddled on sidewalks during my walk this evening. Many of them, people talking and listening and drinking. I bet there was little singing and skipping and I know there was no solo blog typing. But it's okay, I know it is. Well, I hope it is. Being still in the murk I attribute the cause. But I have always been like this. Shit. I really need to start listening to Glo. Details: Happy I finally wrote here again. Comments: 12. Known Commentee: 1. Feeling: Utterly Surprised.

Finally out of the fog

2010-01-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

The new year started eleven days ago, I turned 34 five days ago, and I finally figured out the man I have been with off and on six years was exploiting me to no end. I became empowered. It's embarrassing to talk about and perhaps that is why it persists as it does. I want to do some work with other women, shake them into knowing they can leave a bastard who either physically or mentally abuses them (you do not have to be with anyone you don't want to be with). It is no way to live and I wasted six years of my life. SIX YEARS! I noticed my soul slipping away, but it hasn't gone yet I can still cry.
I am gaining self confidence. I can go to a record store and buy some new music. I will go to events that I want to attend. I will talk to men and make male friends! (not looking for sex AT ALL). I can wake up with my favorite radio program and best of all, I wake up alone in my new bed!
The thing that makes me the saddest is how prevalent domestic abuse is in our society. A friend of mine said to me that everyone has to go through an abusive relationship because you learn so much from it. Let's hope not! I have learned, but there are definitely better ways to learn about this taboo yet common affliction. I know this blog is probably never read and I haven't even expressed myself how I would really like to. I guess I just wanted to tell the world and no one that I am a healing woman who still has her soul.

Isn't it the best to be woken up happy by spectacular dreams?

2009-11-09T11:51:00.001-08:00

An old church going friend, Wendi Peterson, and I are sitting at a cafe in SF talking when in walks Hillary Clinton and her husband (but it's not Bill, it's some famous, balding and fit movie actor who I can't place quite yet). They have a seat at our table and the husband introduces himself and his wife, like we wouldn't know who they were. We start chatting, me mostly with the man. He asks if I'd like to get together and talk more later since he was sort of in a rush. Sure, sure. As Wendi is talking to Hillary, she asks 'why do your haircuts always look so bad?' Which Hillary seemed a bit shocked at but not offended, and I offer in that I have the best stylist in the city. She agrees to see him, but has to leave in an hour and a half, but Jon's cuts take an hour I tell her. We plan to schedule next time. I call Jon all ecstatic and ask if he would be willing to do Hillary on a minutes notice, because she is an awfully busy woman. He agrees. And then I message him on facebook and link this entry for him to read.

revelations, realizations..

2009-10-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my dear grandmothers death. I wonder if my cousin who missed her funeral cause her dog was sick thought of her. I no longer wonder why I don't communicate much with my extended family. It was also the anniversary of Glo's mothers death, which is kind of serendipitous I do believe. So we went to church. Aka synagogue, an experience I'd never had in my thirty three years, so I decided to go and try something new. Glad I did, cause now I know I don't. The services were quite lovely with all the singing in Hebrew and the temple is quite beautiful. But when the young Rabbi blessed the sick and then asked the congregation to say names he may have forgotten when his hand passed over them, well, that was it. Here is this man, balding, over weight, draped in wrinkled silk standing far above us with a hand outstretched slowly passing over the people seated below. I did not like the image this portrayed. Why must the people sit and worship in stone cold beautiful buildings when there are things as magnificent as trees close by? And how could a man, no less, create these trees and shores and earth and light? It just doesn't add up. Can one believe in God and evolution too? Cause my long lost cousin Ardi sure wants to get together for some good old fashioned girl time. Boy do we have a lot to talk about. And I'm sorry Mary, you are not invited.

back from the scent of the Earth, into the scent of the Sea

2009-09-23T15:22:00.001-07:00

And I can't decide which one I like better. A tough choice when the scent of the sea is intertwined with earthly smells too. But the smells on a small biodynamic family farm are different than those on the overly producing sorts. You know, the kinds where the animals live, eat, bathe, slaughter in their own shit. The farms that shouldn't even be called farms where most people eat from, even those uber conscious ones like meself.
But yesterday, I harvested veggies, hung around animals, and stargazed wishing my habits will be more open to establishing better eating styles before I become two then three and four.

Can barely wait

2009-09-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

For a few things..
In a few hours I will be leaving these scummy city streets headed up North to a farm. Yes a real farm, with goats and sheep that have been sheared and billows of straw and stars oh the stars. And get this, tomorrow morning is harvest day. I will be putting my hands in the dirt, plucking fresh food from the earth. Rising early and working hard, just like the way it should be done. I am going to post pictures here, on my beloved and probably on the bastard son too.
Next? The Pixies are doing a reunion tour and I was lucky enough to get a general admission ticket. And why is this concert going to be so spectacular? They are playing Doolittle in it's entirety! If only they would throw in Come On Pilgrim along with it. Never satisfied American am I.

famous eleven last words

2009-09-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

If I hadn't been raised a Daughter Of God, I may be able to write those words down here. But since I stand for truth and righteousness, and they all contain profanities, I am choosing not to publish them. Besides, the only reason I'm posting something is that I feel pressured since I link this blog on my facebook account. Is that a sign FB is overpowering the freaktothefunk?
How could that be? Stand tall steady typing finger, free flowing words, and raunchy English. This is fancy ham.

Happy Birthday Fran

2009-08-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

I wish this wouldn't be happening but it is. I am posting more on facebook than here on my beloved. Perhaps I'll reserve this space for the lengthy paragraphs and leave the bastard network for one armed sentences.
Big day for me yesterday and I'll tell you all about it now. Remember the relationship I left last November and then had to return to (forget the numerous times in the past) to help him mend his stab wounds in January? Ya the relationship I wrote about in the past, the one that started off as an infidel and dragged on a mere six years. Well I'm out of there again, once and for all. You mark my words dear dead grandma on the day of your birth, I shall never get involved with that glorious human being again.
I got me a room in a house that is undergoing remodeling, it's a great tiny space with a huge window that I can watch the clouds and fog race by. And for my window shade there is a surprisingly looking healthy city tree that covers just enough so I can be naked while the laptop warms the breasts.

since I'm in therapy and all

2009-08-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

Due to my current relationship situation I asked my father if he ever regretted being so cordial with his x wife, my mother, enabling him to meet other females and basically get on with his life. His answer somewhat shocked me in it's utmost honest and simplicity "I never think about that, that was years ago." Is this what happens when you've reached the golden years? Never to think about the past, sounds good to me!!

doc says

2009-06-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

I should focus on the goal of graduate school. What else am I going to do, get another waitress job (for which I have an interview today)? It's great advice really, and oh so true seeing as how I have a terrible habit of going all over the place and never coming back again. So from now on I shall focus on graduate school, aint no thing but to do it. Knuckle down buckle down do it do it do it, right Roger Miller?

Must remember..

2009-06-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

Stay out of ones head. There are so many other things going on around you, like, hello your mother got her doctorate today! That is huge, HUGE!! Congrats Ma and may all my useless depressive episodes be put to rest. Did you ever wear braces mother?

the inspiration, it flows like the water defrosting my pork chop

2009-06-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's because of the two I am loved comments, or the amount of fresh air I've been hiking through but dammit this day has been good! First off, can I tell you how cute my dog is? She is sprawled out once again and you can see every ripple in her body. I want to go buy her a girlie collar with my last twenty dollars. Now that is love. Secondly, it feels good to get jobs and even better to maybe get even better jobs. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a beautiful restaurant with an open air feel to it. And even more hopeful is a new place I may have found to live. And lastly, the idea to do my own care giving gig. I want to get magnets that read Shannons Senior Services yada yada and attach them to my truck. I know I would do well in Marin, but I've got to take the first steps. Business cards with my face on them soon to come. I got the catchy slogan already, for those in need count on me indeed. Imagine internet scammers take it right away from me. Better act fast!! So much going on yet so single it's sad.

only Gloria says it aloud

2009-06-13T01:44:00.000-07:00

As a woman enters the elevator in her apartment complex she is very friendly, introducing herself to the new tenant all smiles and how do you dos. Right as the woman steps out of the shaft, she turns to me with her hand up to her mouth and proclaims 'fuck em all!'

Hello nothing and Everything!

2009-06-13T01:14:00.000-07:00

And why do I like living in America so much? Because when I want an apple in the middle of the night I can get one. I can walk in the darkest of nights on a tree lined street, in a very safe neighborhood to the 7-11 where the Indian with the thing on his head scans the barcode for Red Delicious. And I notice the stars, of course, and the moon. The moon. Almost as great as the sunset tonight scarcely opening through quickly moving clouds to let the pink hues through before the blanket of fog settled in. And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To realize that I do not want to be in school right now (or never), that life is short and I need time to heal from all of the mental shit I have been putting myself through for the last oh 20 years or so. Damn I really lay it out on this blog. Too bad none of my old friends read it and call to see how I'm doing. Gotta love those Mormon guilts! Thank you Raymond Carver for the lines to your poem.

i mean, could you give this up?

2009-05-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Even though I've half way abandoned her, she still treats me like a queen. And I love the way she stretches out like a snake on the bed.

yes! look at the time (and the date)

2009-05-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

I want to take a bath but am too cold to move. I saw the smallest fawn I've ever seen crossing the road tonight near my house, and when I tried to pull in my driveway there were two more young ones looking in my headlights just like a deer. Bring my nieces and nephews to me sisters. This place is amazing.

During a really bad movie aka Matthew Mcwhatever chick flick

2009-05-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Gloria: Do you like this? (said multiple times)
Me: No, do you want to leave?
Gloria: This is an insult. It's a total asshole. We are too smart to be sitting here watching this.
Take in mind that Gloria's voice travels and while the people who are enjoying this movie are trying to shush us, she is still going off about the stupidity of the people in the theatre.
And why did we attempt to see it? There were no seats left for Earth and it was the only other thing playing.

Proof that I am the best room mate

2009-04-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

Here's a photo taken by my x roomie of the note I left on my departure.

Borrowed from another blog

2009-04-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

This was in the Onion. I think I am going to start to read it.

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take IT

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. "I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider. "To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all." Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

Nobody knows the trouble I'm in

2009-04-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

And nobody reads my blog. Kept to the same tune of course. You know, replacing Jesus with blogs. And speaking of the almighty, I'm thinking about joining me a Sunday school (and Wednesdays too). It's called A New Thing and the title is taken from some scripture that starts, Behold I am doing a new thing. I quite like that, so that is where the interest started. But on further retrospection spirituality is something that is lacking in my life and why not examine the megatropolis of Christianity starting with a class solely because I liked the poster. Seems very fancyesque, don't cha think?

a very funny thing

2009-04-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'm walking home from work and hear a car honking. A girl walks by with her dog and said 'a dog is in that car honking'. The dog is a white boxer sitting in the driver seat with one paw stretched out touching the steering wheel. Seriously. I am cracking up, taking a bad photo with my cell phone while the dog is looking at me, expressionless, continually honking. I love Frida so much.

While Schwarzenegger is on t.v

2009-04-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

Fancy: I'm so embarrassed that he is our governor.
Gloria: Why, because he's black?

So happy to be an impudent American

2009-03-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I'm driving my friend and her mother, a beautiful and soft spoken 63 year old Korean, to a massive Korean grocery store south of the city. To do this, I must take the freeway and as I am about to miss the exit I express my frustrations in the form of a profanity. In other words, I said shit. My friend, who is sitting in the front seat, hits me and says we don't talk like that in front of my mother. So the driver, who is at the time crossing over traffic lines in order to stay on the right freeway gets a little upset by the fact that I am being hit by my passenger and being told what to say and not to say in my car as I am doing a favor for the detainees. I express my frustration for being hit by repeating the aforementioned profanity another time only to be hit again. Now, I understand the whole respect for elders thing immensely, in fact it is often what I mentioned to my latino lover about holding respect for elders above others my own age aka jealous Mexicans. But when it comes down to fearing what ones own parent would think about their chosen friends foul mouth during a stressful situation and reacting in a manner that I find truly ridiculous then that is what makes me so thankful to be raised American and be able to sit with old and young and be myself.

the sun.

2009-03-06T15:56:00.001-08:00

I don't really know why I am posting right now except to waste time and tell the web of the beautiful sunrise I saw, and the amazing set that is surely to come tonight. This morning, while Frida violently chewed her ocean sticks, I turned my back to the sea and watched the day begin above Golden Gate trees. The sun spread its magnificent pink streams and the seafoam behind me lured my view away for a few moments, leaving the blue that is sky when I turned back around. When I work at Gloria's, whose apartment is on the 12th floor facing west, my favorite time to arrive at her home is at 6ish pmish. The colors bounce off her yellow walls and beckon me to the beautiful choral chords of angels singing straight to me. Beam me up scotty! And let me never repeat that line again.

'Why are you giving up your life for this?'

2009-03-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

That's a good question, Gloria. Why would I, a beautiful woman in perfectly capable health, give up one dysfunctional relationship for another cognitively dysfunctional one? And even more so, why would I go from one non brain using career to another one? I think it's time for a beer and a bath (in the deepest tub you can imagine) with the most awesomest smelling soap from Lush (possible future employer again).

Smoke stink, acrobats, and spiders oh my!

2009-02-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

I'm back on Post Street for all my phantom readers who have mysteriously visited me in the past. I am two blocks away from my very first SF apartment but will not stay here for long. It does feel nice to have a place to call home though. If only I hadn't woken up with 10 spider bites after the first night of sleeping here. The dishes seldom get done, which means I carry my own cup in and out of my bedroom, and shoes must be worn at all times because of the ripped up carpet nails etc. I am too old to live in a place like this and soon all my clothes will smell of smoke (YUCK). The positives? There is a huge courtyard in the middle of the building full of plants, mostly succulents, and a crooked city tree whose trunk is black from the nearby road. It is a wonderful place for my morning cup of joe. Also, one of the roomies is involved in gymnastics and the circus school and it has totally inspired me to get busy being physical. Screw the idea of finding a lover, it's time to work on the self.

Short lived

2009-02-17T09:53:00.001-08:00

Just canceled Netflix. Call me old fashioned, I like walking to the independent video store, smelling the old VHS and seeing the neon PORN SECTION sign. Also, the shiny white and red envelopes would have nowhere to go as I am homeless again. In this dark rainy weather what could be better? Don't worry, I have couches with my name on them!

2 amazing things

2009-02-16T00:18:00.001-08:00

One, Hebrew is beautiful. And so are horoscopes. So another incredibly accurate horoscope happened upon me today. Here goes; Life has suddenly gotten complicated. Someone exciting, dynamic and sexy as all get-out beckons-just out of reach. At the same time, another someone wants to control you. No one, but no one, tells you what to do. Or do they? And we haven't even begun to address what's happening in your money house!
This is the second week in a row that the stars have definitely been in alignment para mi. It's a bit eerie really, but since both weeks have been damn good I had better get busy living eh?
The second amazing aka beautiful thing is this movie I just watched. My lord how intense the cinema can be. Words can't explain the way you feel while sitting and watching this animated documentary that is up for an (oh no) Oscar. If it's playing, phantom readers, go see Waltz With Bashir.

so much to say, lets stick with food

2009-02-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

Since my borrowed internets connection is going to fail at any minute I'll sum it up with another bit about food. For those of you who have not tried the cookies I suggested months ago, shame on you. Now order this! It's the best cinnamon bread you will ever taste. Toast it, let it sit in the toaster for 5 minutes after it's done and then enjoy. Seriously. And the best news? Greenlees, the family owned bakery, is in the same town of my graduate school. Hello thundah thighs.

guess who I want to be my new best friend?

2009-02-06T22:47:00.001-08:00

SWEET POTATOES!

Oh dear! Just joined Netflix

2009-02-02T23:37:00.000-08:00

A lot of stuff has been going on in this fancy ham's life and often videos are the perfect companion. Speaking of, after 17 long months of unemployment I am officially back in the working world, being a companion. Her name is Gloria, her apartment is decorated as yellow as can be and her view is fantastic. She suffers from Alzheimer's and needs a lady friend to go out to lunch and gossip with. It will be both interesting and stressful and perhaps at times dangerous, but I know how to keep the cool with old Jews that are losing their minds! The work is in my field of the aged and although the pay is shit it gets my foot in the door, and a chance to try every restaurant I've ever wanted to in the glorious gastronomical city of SF!

a horoscope

2009-01-31T09:18:00.000-08:00

this is mine for the week. I want to marry it.
The good news: you're doing the right thing and headed in the right direction. The bad news: you may not be able to calm your wrecked nerves and overactive mind! Capricorns are said to be patient, but not necessarily with things related to them.

so glad to be back in the city

2009-01-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

"BE CAREFUL there's a clothes hanger over there" is what a lady in the street said to me this morning.

2009. Just turned 33.

2009-01-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

In six years I will be 39. Can't wait.

oh hamy night

2008-12-25T16:46:00.000-08:00

the rain is freezing falling it is the night of presents galore.
And this makes me realize how much I don't want a traditional family. I want my kids to run around in the bush, to swim naked in clean rivers, and, to pick wild berries. Where could such things take place? Africa? Bali? Montana? And how does one who is accustomed to getting anything she wants whenever she wants it (no I'm not spoiled, I'm American) break out of this horrid lifestyle to achieve such simple living? Two words: Peace Corps? (kind of beats the other two that have been on the mind the last year: Grad School)
What do you think?

there's something to be said

2008-12-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

about sleeping with dogs. The morning facial licks are enough to make anyones day.

and the depression sets in

2008-12-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

I didn't think it would happen so fast. Two things to change it: get out of my head, and out of moms house.
I'm going to yoga.

upon entering Utah

2008-12-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

This was said to my little sister, whose child is about to turn one, last night
"you should be getting pregnant soon, it's better to have them close together."

wide awake at 5 am. I am a lucky gal

2008-12-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

Luck, you may ask? Of course! I love to be awake this early and wish I woke up in this sort of mood more often. I'm sure the people reading this are cringing right now because they are all mothers (fuckers) (isn't that what blogs are all about posting your pics of the lil ones? UH NO!!) and have awoke many times at this hour before- but there is something about just waking up, knowing that today is going to be a great day that makes for a wonderful early cup of coffee and a good solid 2 hours of study time before I take my Physiology final. After I pass with a 90 (realistically 78) I am headed for the open road. CD books and Frida in the front seat, and the back piled high with stuff I don't need.

let this be known

2008-12-12T00:32:00.000-08:00

Staying at your x boyfriends house after you have moved out makes for a hard nights sleep. I should be studying now, freaking Physiology is a damn hard class. Especially when your professor wants to be teaching medical students but is at a community college instead and presents in 78 slides what another professor shows in 18.
Big change for me coming up, not looking too forward to it as I hate the cold. I know the move is temporary and must remind myself that so I don't become a 39 year old stay at moms home. I am excited to see Frida in the snow though. But will admit that she is going to miss the ocean so much I feel a bit guilty taking her from it, considering the lakes will be frozen in Utah until we are ready to depart. Not the Great one though, and god forbid I let her swim there. It would be worse than trying to get the stink out of a skunked dog. I'd rather take her to Antelope Island and let her chase the bison. Okay, I guess I'm a little excited to hit the land of Zion again, if only for a short time. Graduate school (in a hopefully warm ocean climate) here I come!

feeling very pessimistic about this week

2008-12-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

Note to self: check to make sure the corner store has Campbells Tomato Soup in stock when ordering a grilled cheese to go from another restaurant. Progressive Tomato Basil does not cut it.

and on this day

2008-12-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

Fancy became an adult.

The events leading up to this moment in my life have blended somewhat smoothly together. Mostly because of my quintessiental family, beloved friends, great therapist, and growing pitbull. And not to forget music, which will help any soul who uses it- note to Vicky Hatch. I would like to thank the Fleet Foxes, whom I've just discovered, and have helped me harmoniously with my new status of singlehood.
But the surreal experience that I just sat through was the topping on the cake of adulthood I've so longed for. The setting was a corner office in an insurance company, the notary resided there. He had made it his Oasis-beautiful & intricate model ships he'd assembled, a chandelier, dusty gifts of fine liquor, the widest grandfather clock I've ever seen, christmas angel in the window, candle burning, and endless plants.
And the reason I'm sitting across from this jolly man with luscious lips? I am a witness to the signing of divorce papers between my freshly made x boyfriend and his sweet wife of seven years, four of which involved yours truly.
So as I am taking all of the notaries serene office space into account I realize what a major change my life is going to take. And music was discussed the whole time.

Mount Shasta

2008-11-29T18:14:00.000-08:00

After carving my name in a dead tree, my brother went and pissed on it.

A great quote

2008-11-24T15:41:00.000-08:00

Out of the strain of the Doing, Into the peace of the Done.
-Julia Louise Woodruff

tis true

2008-11-23T13:31:00.000-08:00

The darkest night I ever saw was the night I left my love. True love, true love what have I done your heart has turned and gone.
Thank you to the band His Name Is Alive, whose song is written above. The following song is called After I Leave U. And I showed the title to Antonio the night I left my love.

Maybe white (trash) kids aren't so bad

2008-11-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

This is Starrs babe Lennon and she is damn cute.

my most favorite communications

2008-11-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

I received an email from an older Chinese man who is in my class and wanted to keep it forever in print. It reminded me of a tip I got when I had a paper route in my youth. It was a check made out to Shannon for Ten dollars. That's all it said- Shannon and Ten. I never cashed it, but I'm sure the account is closed because the nice couple, one of only a few that were black in my neighborhood growing up, died long long ago.
Here is the email. My teacher calls him Fouk, but his emails say Sam. I think I like Fouk better.
Hi:
Thanks for your notes, and its help me like a people thirty in a desert.
If you have more news in muscle, please let me know too.
Thanks again
sam

Come to find out Fouk got a hold of the test before we actually took it and called my friend with some answers but he didn't call me. Who's thirty in the desert now Fouk?

Get books, have better conversations

2008-11-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

My friend has an amazing amazon shop so I am spreading the word to my phantom readers. If any catch your eye, let her know you are Fancy's friend and maybe she'll hook you up. I know there are a lot to scroll through, but many of them are old school childrens books- totally worth your time!

One more shout out regarding the best cookies I have ever put into my mouth (sorry homebakers these are the shiznit). They are called Uncle Eddies and flavored peanut butter chocolate chip. Better yet, they are vegan!

And one more tidbit. On our walk tonight Frida ate a teabag. String and paper label attached. Is it weird I'm excited to see how it comes out?

http://www.amazon.com/shops/darkandstormybooks